Cancer.....Day 54

Hi baby boy . Today is day 54. I was up real early today, had to go get blood work done. I had lots of it done today :( yuck, I hate that! I was going to go to the gym, but your dad was real tired so when we got home I took Beanz for a long walk. I should go for a run later, ill play it by how I feel. Max I saw someone today from RSI Im glad she is there. Some people are just overall nice. Its a rare trait in people, these days. Or maybe its just one of my favorite things in some people. Genuine niceness. (actually I think I know a few people this way)

Hey baby I just had a long really good conversation (through texting) with an amazing friend (one of those people I wrote about above). Life is weird and complicated. There are things I will never understand. I wish there was a reason for things and that there was not so much sadness. Max baby when you died it was SO unexpected and stopped my world and threw me so far into a hole of sadness. It being unexpected I was not prepared for it. But how could I have prepared for you dying if I knew something was wrong with you. How can anyone prepare to lose some one they love. Its never going to be easy. Do you treat everyone like you are going to never see them again. Maybe instead of saying goodbye when Im done talking or seeing some one I should say I love you.  I know we cant live in a world were people don't die. I know bad things must happen, but that does not make it any easier. Life continues to go on weather your ready for it or not.

Max baby "Do I believe in miracles?" I dont know. Are miracles something we believe in when we wont something good to happen? Are miracles something we pray for? Or are they happening all around us we are just to self consumed to pay attention to? Even though you died you were a miracle to have been conceived and then all your cells divided in all the right ways, you had a heart beat in my belly. Thats a miracle right! Is it a miracle that the sun rises and sets everyday, or is it something we expect. Do miracles always have to be about good things. What really is the definition of a miracle? I was asked today in my texting conversation "What if miracles are not merit based? " Maybe they should be, but then I guess that would be expected. I think they should be, but I know they are not.

Max You have taught me so much about life. I will forever be in love and grateful for everything you have given/taught me. I cant help being so sad and empty with out you, but I try to be ok. I want to be ok. I love you

Hey my friendIt seems your eyes are troubledCare to share your times with meWould you say you're feeling low and soA good idea would be to get it off your mind

See, you and meHave a better time than most can dreamHave it better than the bestAnd so can pull on throughWhatever tears at usWhatever holds us downAnd if nothing can be doneWe'll make the best of what's around

Turns out not where but who you're withThat really mattersAnd hurts not much when you're around
If you hold on tightTo what you think is your thingYou may find you're missing all the restShe run up into the light surprisedHer arms are openHer mind's eye is

Seeing things from aClearer side than most can dreamOn a better road I feelSo you could say she's safeWhatever tears at herWhatever holds her downAnd if nothing can be doneShe'll make the best of what's around

Turns out not where but what you thinkThat really mattersAnd hurts not much when you're around(DMB)