Hi my little love. Last night was hard when I went home. But I guess that’s how it is going to be some nights. I worry about your dad. He was still awake when I got up get ready for work. He has to go into work for a meeting this morning. He needs sleep more then I do.
Max this morning was awful. I got out of the shower and my boobs were leaking. It’s been a few weeks since anything came out of them. Why am I still making milk and why did it have to come out this morning.
Max I don’t want to be here today. I want to be home in bed, or with Shane to make sure he is ok. He has to go and do blood work at RSI then go to the meeting. I worry the lack of sleep is going to make him even more stressed tonight at work. I don’t want to be sitting at this desk staring at the computer screen watching people go by.
Max I had a really good time with your nurse if that is possible. Max she is a really good person. I feel like I don’t deserve to have good people in my life. I feel undeserving of a lot. She told me the story of how she adopted her baby. It’s an amazing story. But she also told how one Sunday she went to church the sermon was about giving up to gods will. So that evening she said to god, that if she was not meant to have anymore children then to stop having her want them. It was the next day or so that she was working, and a girl came into the Er not knowing she was pregnant. One thing lead to another and your nurse ended up adopting the baby. She even cut the cord. The baby even looks like she could have been biologically there’s. Everything worked out in ways that most people would not believe. As amazing as I think this story is I don’t believe in gods will. It does not work that way for me. I believe things are going to happen whether I want them to or not. I don’t have a problem with religion. I believe it. I just don’t understand this "god will" or that "he has a plan for me" F-that. I know there is something greater then me. I have a great life. I have so much to be thankful for. But there is this void, that this all powerful god can’t fix. Maybe im just hard headed and that’s my problem. I believe in god/gods, religion but then why am I so angry. Why do I need to go to church? Why can’t I pray on my own, and talk to you. If you are with god now, can I pray to you and you let him no. Why does it have to be a "he" or one thing? Why is god not the tree in my back yard, the big giant sky, the ocean, and the toads I see? What if god is a spider? What if he is on of the spiders I tried to kill? What if he is in everything? Is he the music I hear, is he the rock on the side of the street. Why........Why do I have SUCH a need to challenge everything? Is this my problem, I have always challenged and questioned.
I went off on a tangent, but I meant to say her story is amazing and left me yesterday with hope that things don’t have to be like this.
Max I feel ok when I talk to her, its weird yesterday was only the third time I ever met with this lady but I feel so connected to her. Is she your way of letting me know your ok?
Max I want to give you a sibling so much. Is that wrong of me.
Max im getting sad writing to you today.
I told you I would tell you about the group today. Its was ok. Its so fascinating how group dynamics work. I am either REALLY shy or can take some kind of control. It’s weird. for some reason I felt protective of the one couple. I felt weird that maybe my story of you dying would make them feel bad, because they lost there baby real early. I felt like I had to watch what I said. (Which Max baby sometimes I say things with out the intentions of how they come out) But Max baby anytime you lose a baby or the idea of a baby it’s hard. Miscarriages seem natural to me. Just how it is. The first miscarriage was very hard. That baby would have been 5 this July 4th. That was a hard time, I think that’s part of the reason your dad and I broke up for a while after that. All the ones in between where "here we go again" the one when we had to have the D&E was difficult. But it got to the point where if I miscarried between 0-12 weeks it was ok. It’s not a baby to me. You were my baby. I felt you, heard you, saw you move. You had a sex, and you had a name. I loved you, you were no longer an idea you were a reality. I should have known that my reality was destined to have you die. I should have not expected you to live. I should not have wanted you so badly.
Loss is hard, no matter how you spin it, or how you justify it in your own head.
Max I hate struggling. I hate that im a different person. I hate a lot of things right now. If it’s only been 8 weeks.....then what week can I say it’s been this long so now it’s ok? When is it no longer going to be recent? When is it no longer going to be new! When am I not expected to be like this. When will I go back to being normal? Max I don’t like not doing well. Max when I say im a control freak, I don’t mean towards other people. I mean towards me. I need to be in control of my self. I need to know what going to happen. I don’t like failing. I don’t like feeling this way. I don’t like being out of control. Max I always thought and was told Im a true definitionn of a Sagittarius. Most everything is me, anyone will agree. BUT max one of those traits is described as my greatest strength is an "undying optimistic attitude" well baby boy I feel far from that. I try my hardest to be positive and think ahead. But right now it’s not my greatest strength.
Max I was talking with your nurse about one of my jobs at work. That job is that im a certified car seat technician. I love it! I love teaching people about car seats. I love car seat research, I love installing them. I just really enjoy everything about it. Your car seat was my most looked forward to registry item. Well what if I can’t do it anymore. I will be one on one with pregnant moms. How can I do my job right? What if I have to give it up? Car seats most people probably think who cares, but I really enjoyed it. WELL your nurse said I should give myself credit and im stronger then I think.
Max I have that saline hysterosonogram tonight. I did not throw up the antibiotic last night or this morning, so that’s good! Im not looking forward to the test, but I have to have it to see what the insides are looking like.
Max I love you and miss your face.
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