Slow sunday.......

Hey baby today has been real hard, for some reason. Its been an ok day, nothing out of the ordinary Im just missing you a lot. I had a few crying for no reason moments. Max I spent a lot of time doing research on the things that happened to you. Its like I need to learn as much as possible. I should just wait until we have this meeting , this week. ( I hope it happens this week). Its like I need to fill my brain with as much information as possible, that way nothing is a surprise. Or what ever they tell me I can understand.
Max its weird I was talking to your daddy earlier, I told him looking up information really helps me focus on something right now, but it also makes me miss you. Some might think its putting more fear in my mind. Well maybe, but Max Im always going to have so much fear. knowing things is both good and bad. Max there are SO many things that need to go right , for a healthy baby to be born. Really SO manny things. It truly is a miracle when a baby is born. Its amazing that there are so many people in the world, with the amount of things that need to happen to survive. I was reading an embryology book, and its amazing.
Max I have heard before that every time someone dies a baby is born. Or when a baby is born an angel get there wings.....Well how does it work when a baby dies?

Max what do I do now that its cold? Will I know if you are around. Soon the sky will be dark all the time, Ill wake up and come home to a dark sky. I wont see you in the clouds . The toads need to hibernate to stay alive and your little tree is going to lose all of its leaves and look dead. How am I going to know your still with me. Are you even with me know, or am I just making all that up to feel better. Yes it helps me feel better, but it makes no sense that that toad was in your room, after I came home. We never have had toads in the upstairs before. I saw that little thing and the first thing I thought of was you. Then it seemed like they were always there when I needed you. Max I truly think those toads have something to do with you and, well Max baby I still need you.

Here I go crying again, baby. Im so tired of this. You also here people say its better to have loved then to have never loved at all. Im not so sure about that baby. Yes love is amazing, and I would not take back anything with you, the pain that comes along with this love is pretty crappy.

Max Im not in a bad mood, im just missing you. Im cold and tired. Its so bizarre to me that I can feel so bad, and ok at the same time. I have so much sympathy for people who are depressed all the time. Its so hard and draining. ha ha baby I can be not-ok and ok all at the same time. Max you must think your mom is nuts! :) Maybe ill make coffee and just lay here with beanz (your dad is working) . Maybe later Ill look for pictures of your daddys dad So I can compare you both. Or maybe Ill just go to sleep, If I go to bed good night my little love.