10 weeks.....70 days and I LOVE YOU

Good morning little boy. I went to bed so early last night, and had the worst time getting out of bed. Even with the extra sleep I was so tired this morning. Max I actually did not have any weird dreams, I don’t remember dreaming at all really. I think that was a good thing. Max baby I have been at work for a little over an hour now, and it’s been so quiet. Just me in here for a while. I think today will be a good day. I’m not giving it much of a choice, today will be ok. I don’t want to have another sad day, or just ok kind of day. Max I wish I had that kind of control, I know that im the only one in charge of how I feel, but some days it is so overwhelming and no matter how hard I try or how much I tell myself positive things it does not help. But baby boy im trying. Today is 10 weeks. What I find strange is so far this has been the longest 10 weeks of my life. Each day seems so long and a week from now seems far away, but each time another week comes I feel like your getting further away and faster each week. Time is weird its fast and slow all at the same time. In another 10 weeks, how will I feel? Will it be harder or easier? What if I forget you, what if I do not write you as much? Will that make me bad to you? I don’t know if I should be writing as much as I do now, but its like I need to. Sometimes I have nothing to say, and I say the same thing over and over. Sometimes I just want to tell you I love you, in the hopes that maybe you can get my letters to you. Maybe somehow you know what im saying. If that’s true then when I stop writing as much to you will you feel that also. Right now I wake up and want to write you, I want to write to you when im home from work and then sometimes before I go to bed. Days when I can’t write to you when I want to, I get flustered. Sometimes I feel like, oh I need to tell Max that. I do know that at some point I need to write less, for now though im not ready. I don’t care if I have nothing to write other then telling you I love you, by the way Max I love you. Maybe you can receive my letters where you, maybe you know that I love you and need you.
Well Max baby I LOVE YOU.
I just had to call out to the squad room and some one was whispering on the other end of the phone, it grossed me out. It’s a person that irritates me. Max I wish I was not bothered by this person. Sometimes I think because there are some people I just don’t like, makes me a bad person, and because im a bad person contributes to you not getting to stay with me. I know that’s dumb, not everyone likes everyone. I just feel like if I was a better person, then maybe we would have each other. I try to treat everyone like I would want to be treated. Max I don’t really talk bad about people, and I always give them the benefit of the doubt, but sometimes I just don’t like people. I hope you forgive me.
Max my mind is busy today with things I want to tell you. First I love your name, and it’s your name, but maybe it was a kiss of death. Since you died I have heard of so many other Max,s that died. Maybe you should have had a different name, maybe that would have changed your fate. Even so Max baby, I love your name and it’s who you are. Max your name means "The Greatest" BUT if im lucky enough to have another baby, im not naming them until after they are here and I know there not going to die.

Don't be sad 'cause your sun is down
You can rise above it
Don't be sad 'cause you're on your own
You have to learn to love it
Don't be sad 'cause your sun is down
You're gonna find your way
Don't be sad 'cause your day is done
There's another day, everyday

Everyday I wake up just the same
Waiting for something new
Every night I have myself to blame
For the dreams that haven't come true
But especially today I'm feeling blue

Don't be sad 'cause your son is down
Little mama he's bound to feel it
Don't be sad 'cause your boy is blue
It wouldn't do to conceal it from you
Don't be sad 'cause your sun is down
The night doesn't need your sorrow
Don't be sad 'cause the light is gone
Just keep your mind on tomorrow and carry on

(James Taylor)