hey baby! I have so much to tell you but my fingers hurt real bad for some reason, mainly my knuckles, any way baby Case-face finally has good news. The cancer that spread to her brain has improved. The radiation shrunk the tumors, to where another procedure may take them completely away now. She has no new brain tumors. Now baby boy the breast cancer needs to stop spreading, and go away. If anyone will fight this baby, she will. Max baby I dont want you to meet her for a very long time. Max this is good news. It was nice to have tears for something happy.
When I came home, baby boy your dad and I went for a walk and had good conversations. He talked about wondering why people treat him the way they do, and how if he talked to people that way he would be fired or worse. He asked me if he was rude at all to the doctors . I said NO! He wanted to know why that when during one of the worst moments of his life. He could be calm and respectful to the doctors that were with us when you died. But people can treat him like poop and yell at him for no reason while he is working. Your poor dad. I wish he could separate that some people are just jerks and always will be, and that it has nothing to do with him. Your dad is the best person in the whole world. The nicest man I ever met. (dont worry baby, im not talking him up, he does not read anything in here). Your dad is one of those people who will do anything for anyone, but somehow get stepped on over and over. Someday his luck will change. I then told him my theory about why you came out looking just like his dad. He told me that was sweet! I could tell he though I was full of it. But Max baby I think there was a reason why you looked just like him.
Then we started talking about work for me and one thing lead to another and I started crying (again, sorry Max) . I told him Im real anxious about no longer being assigned to the control room, and having to face people every day other then those in my department. I just feel so off and different from who i used to be. Its not fair to others for me to be not bothered by petty things, just because im different. Max I feel like I just dont care! Dont care about the things that bother other people. ONLY because to me, nothing seems bad anymore. The things people bitch about, or make fun of others about means nothing. Things people complain about to me are so trivial and petty. Its like after you died i see things so differently now. Life was put into perspective, all I took for granted, and all that used to bother me that was so pointless. All those little things that bothered me really dont matter at all. Why waste all my energy on things that mean nothing. Then I think well, those things people are bitching about mean something to them. Just because I see life differently now, does not mean they have to. So its hard to feel so diffrent and distant from ohers while trying to figure out how to function again in my role. But I feel so different then who I used to be. I used to go along with everyday complaints and I was also part of it. Complaining about things and people. I did all those things. Who knows baby im sure I will do it again. Just right now I feel there is just no point. One of the things that bothers me is because I feel so different I feel like I can no longer be a good supervisor because, things dont bother me. Unless you do something real bad, and put someone at risk, petty things I just dont care about. Im sure someday this will change and I will forget I ever felt this way, and some day I will be back to taking everything in my life for granted. Someday I will be back. Your dad told me that most people probably dont know that I feel so different now. He also told me that I cant expect to feel normal and that grief can go on for 6 months before they would consider someone depressed. Well as great as that is, he understands but how long are others going to put up with me being different. Max I told you before sometimes I just dont feel like talking. When am I no longer allowed to be different from what is expected of me. Max, i am the great pretender but, im not that good at it anymore. Your dad did make me feel better. But Max baby I have always been the kind of person that can roll things off, not be bothered and move on. I need to just remember that im ok, I will be ok. Your dad always helps me when I talk to him, I just wish I could help him.
Then we started talking about work for me and one thing lead to another and I started crying (again, sorry Max) . I told him Im real anxious about no longer being assigned to the control room, and having to face people every day other then those in my department. I just feel so off and different from who i used to be. Its not fair to others for me to be not bothered by petty things, just because im different. Max I feel like I just dont care! Dont care about the things that bother other people. ONLY because to me, nothing seems bad anymore. The things people bitch about, or make fun of others about means nothing. Things people complain about to me are so trivial and petty. Its like after you died i see things so differently now. Life was put into perspective, all I took for granted, and all that used to bother me that was so pointless. All those little things that bothered me really dont matter at all. Why waste all my energy on things that mean nothing. Then I think well, those things people are bitching about mean something to them. Just because I see life differently now, does not mean they have to. So its hard to feel so diffrent and distant from ohers while trying to figure out how to function again in my role. But I feel so different then who I used to be. I used to go along with everyday complaints and I was also part of it. Complaining about things and people. I did all those things. Who knows baby im sure I will do it again. Just right now I feel there is just no point. One of the things that bothers me is because I feel so different I feel like I can no longer be a good supervisor because, things dont bother me. Unless you do something real bad, and put someone at risk, petty things I just dont care about. Im sure someday this will change and I will forget I ever felt this way, and some day I will be back to taking everything in my life for granted. Someday I will be back. Your dad told me that most people probably dont know that I feel so different now. He also told me that I cant expect to feel normal and that grief can go on for 6 months before they would consider someone depressed. Well as great as that is, he understands but how long are others going to put up with me being different. Max I told you before sometimes I just dont feel like talking. When am I no longer allowed to be different from what is expected of me. Max, i am the great pretender but, im not that good at it anymore. Your dad did make me feel better. But Max baby I have always been the kind of person that can roll things off, not be bothered and move on. I need to just remember that im ok, I will be ok. Your dad always helps me when I talk to him, I just wish I could help him.
Sorry Im always so blaaaa . I hope you dont think you have a complaining mommy. Max the day was actually pretty good, Im figuring out that I can have emotional days and that still be ok. I can keep things together.
Max I took some amazing pictures of the sky today. I used my good camera so I need to go through them and see which ones I want to give to you today. I know that you wont be able to send toads to me the colder it gets, so when I look at how big the sky is makes me think of you. The sky is so big and amazing. Its bigger then us here on earth.
Max I love you so much
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