Day 46

10:30am
Hey baby boy. I am so tired today. Going out yesterday drained me. Im so tired that my head feels empty. I  did not sleep well, I had a lot of weird dreams again. Every time i woke up I felt stressed and then could not go back to sleep. I think im getting sick, so Its making me feel worse. Max Im afraid the toads are going to be gone again for a while. Its real cold today. It makes me sad that the weather is changing. The toads will be gone and I wont be able to take my evening walks to watch the sunset. Soon by the time I get home from work the sun will all ready to set.
Max I think im going to take nap or at least try to. I love you my little love.

7:14
Hi my Max, sorry tonight has not had much writing. Its been a lazy day, and Im so tired. I hate that im getting sick right before I have to go to work monday. Its been dreary out, which I thin has matched my laziness. I guess the good thing is that its an excuse for being unmotivated. I actually just took a shower for the day. Max baby I had a nice phone call today. People are so nice and that continues to amaze me. It always suprises me for some reason how nice people can be. Every since I was young I was always in awe of truly kind people. Is that weird of me baby. Max I also learned that someone is planning a beef and beer in your honor.  Again the kindness is overwhelming and other then grateful I don't know how I feel. People dont need to be so nice to us. I am not deserving of such. I feel like I am far from it. Max baby I am reminded all the time how you have changed my life, for the better. How you have taught me so much about life. How grateful I am.  I will make my self think that the beef and beer is in your honor/memory rather then in sadness.  I did not tell your dad this yet.
Right now Im feeling in more of a positive mood, I wish I could keep this mood all the time. I wish I had some control over it all. Being a control freak makes dealing with everything a little hard.

Your dad and I are watching the Phillies game, I hope your Grandpop is up there watching the game. Max I had a bunch of Phillies outfits for you! I wish I was showing off how cute you would be in your phillies hat and Jersey.

I want to snuggle with your dad and go to bed early tonight. I dont know If I should take a sleeping pill to get some sleep. Tomorrow night is going to stink, because I wont be able to sleep and then I will have to get up at 5am. Thats going to be a big change.

Max its cold out so I dont think I will be seeing any toads. I hope they are there. I hope you are still here with me. I miss and love you so much.