Remembering
You falling into my arms
Crying for the death of your heart
You were stone white
So delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
Remembering you
How you used to be
Slow drowned
You were angels
So much more than everything
Hold for the last time then slip away quietly
Open my eyes
But I never see anything
If only I'd thought of the right words
I could have held on to your heart
If only I'd thought of the right words
I wouldn't be breaking apart
All my pictures of you
Looking so long at these pictures of you
But I never hold on to your heart
Looking so long for the words to be true
But always just breaking apart
My pictures of you
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
There was nothing in the world
That I ever wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
All my pictures of you
Max I knew I would be needing to write you a lot today. I miss you so much. So I kind of did nothing all day except stay on the couch under the covers. Your dad and I took beanz for a walk around 2ish, but then I was back on the couch. I was doing ok, but in a funk. But Max I did what I said I would, I went to the gym. Mainly because of your dad. He made me go. We then planned on going to the grocery store ( I hate that place) Well Max I went to the gym, I got on the treadmill and right away started to run. I was feeling weird, I cant explain it but any way. From the very beginning I felt like I was going to run well. I started running, then I started crying. well I dont know why I started to cry, I was not in a specific mood. I was just there. Anyway baby I was running well and just started to cry then I kind of got angry (im not much of an angry person) but I got angry and became SO focused on running. Im out of shape so any run is better then nothing, but this was the best. I ran 2 miles straight with out stopping and increased speed. Max 2 miles is nothing, but for my fitness level right now, it was pretty good. But Max after crying and then getting angry , the focus I had was so weird. I felt like I was competing again. But this time competing with myself. strange I know. Max my fondness of music is really broad, so a lot of times I have no idea whats going to pop up on the ipod, sometimes I rediscover songs for the first time. Well in my focused mode, the Cure "Pictures of you came on" It made me even more focused, and strangely peaceful, and angry all at the same time. I played it over and over. I did not want to stop listening and did not want to stop running. Max I did not want to stop. I could have kept going but your dad was done lifting. Max something snapped in me tonight and its strange. Max I was a good kid I promise, but I would sneak out a lot at night, Mostly to run. There was a time, I was unable to do it and was watched. SO I would sneak out in the night and go running. I always felt free when I did that. Well I had a piece of that today. Then I started to get dizzy when I was done, and remembered that I only had coffee today. I forgot about eating today, it was not in my thoughts. Its such strange feeling, I can see how easy I could get hooked on it again. Its a fine line of amazing and addiction. I will never throw up again you changed that for me. You fixed everything, But still have to remember to eat, your dad loves to eat and we have no food. So Max we then we got to Wegmans and the agitation started and now im just irritated. Your dad and I got food, I still have to get to eating it, but I needed to talk to you first. We got more vegetables so I can drink my vegetables.
Max Today has been strange in terms of feeling. Woke up sad, got better through out the day. Became hopeful and just here. Then it turned into this strange anger and focus. Now im just here and loving you. I don't want to do anything but be ok for you. Its such a fine line of wanting to shut down, and then I get a spark of being ok. Maybe I needed to be a little angry tonight. I needed to run like that. Max im starting to ramble, my head is hyper and spinning with useless energy. Im going to eat and watch a movie with you wonderful dad. (he is almost done his sandwich all ready). I promise if you were here I would not ramble like I do. I just feel like I have so much to tell you, to thank you.
Goodnight baby boy. You made and continue to make me better and I love you. I hang on to the hope that you put in me.
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