Max, today so far has been very hard. I actually did not want to write to you tonight. I have been home for 1 1/2 hours but I did not want to write to you. Max being in the hospital listening to everything was a lot harder then i anticipated. The reasons why I thought you died were not why you died. The pulmonary hyper tension was secondary. I dont know if that good or bad. Its nothing genetic so, that was good. Max baby it comes down because i failed you. When you were delivered you basically had no chance. Even though you were crying and alive, it was all ready to late. Max I dont have much in me tonight. I almost feel like im back to day one again. Your dad is a mess tonight as well. He trys to act ok, but I can tell. When he first read the autospy result (well when he looked at the first part) he got real angry and said things to the doctor. He was able to calm down, and let her explain. I was worried about how he was going to be during the meeting. I shut down and cant hear anything around me, he gets angry. The doctor explained things like we know nothing. Well i know nothing so I appreciated everything. She drew a lot of pictures, I am a very visual learner so that was good for me. Your dad is smart, very, very smart. He knows ALOT about medicine so after his upset outburst, he calmed down and listened to everything. In the end he said everything made sense. Max you were going to die. Max baby it comes down to this.... You should have been born sooner, but there was no way to know. Max the placental failed you. You outgrew it. Your placental was literaly half the size it should have been. your placenta was 378 grams and it should have been 695 grams for your age. You were a good weight, a healthy weight but you stopped growing or getting what you needed because it was so small. You should have been born sooner. but like I said it was no ones fault, everything with you seemed perfect. Your dad explained it for me, because I could no longer take information in. The small placenta became a problem in the end, bleeding started, which further reduced oxygen to you. You responded by clamping off the arteries that provided blodd supply to places you did not need (your lungs) you sent blood and oxygen to your brain and heart. But becsue the placenta had gone bad and had started to bleed you were not getting enough oxygen. The oxygen you were getting was also not good it had meconium in it. This made your heart work harder and become enlarged. But by your body shutting blood flow off to your lungs it keep you alive in me longer. So because of this lack of oxygen in your blood you in a way were passing out. The meconium was released due to your body shutting down. This was in with you for days before you were born. It was so broken down that, they did not see it when they broke your water. (this was why your dad was mad, at first he though they should have known when they broke the water. But it looked normal, and it happened at least 3 days before, so it was all ready to late) Because you were basically suffocating you took bigger gasps then other babys causing the meconium to get into your lungs. The autospy showed this was at least 3 days before you were born. It showed your brain all ready changed and showed brain damage. Your heart was enlarged also due to this. Even if you made it you would have had brain damage from lack of oxygen, because the placenta was failing . even though you died, I was told you were almost a stillborn, because from the results you would not have made it much longer. Max baby all because the placenta began to fail. They told me that because the placenta was anterior it may have been why it stopped growing. I should have none something was wrong, things felt different towards the end. I felt you so much less. Max I keep going back to being so scared of the C-section. I wish you stayed breach, you would have been born sooner, and maybe still be alive. You were perfect otherwise and I feel like this is all my fault. Everything about you was normal. You had severe pulmonary hypertension because the placenta failed, the blood became toxic with the meconium , and you were no longer getting oxygen. Max I heard you cry, and then it stopped. Max I feel like I killed you, I should have known.
Max im having a very hard time. I cant comprehend much anymore. I need to shut off.
Max reading this autopsy really hurts me but at the same time, there are things in it that help comfort me. Like your foot size 8.3cm , the way they described your hair and all your features. Max im done I cant write more tonight. I cant handle life tonight. Good night baby. I love you more then ever.
I love you.
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