Max they know why you died, the results are in. Missing you on day 63

Hi little love. Your results came back, they know why you died. There is a reason baby, the reason does not make me less sad. I actually feel like im falling apart. Even with an answer I still need answers. When the doctor called she had poor phone service and so did I .  your dad and I are going to meet with her and the patholigist next week to go over everything. But basicly baby boy no oxygen was getting to your lungs after you were born. You had severe pulmanry hypertension and the placenta failed you. Max there is a lot more to this. They have a reason why. Everything right now is a jumble so for me to talk about it or make sense of it will do know good. I had to talk to her outside in the rain, becaue your dads cell phone has bad service in the house, and I wrote jumbled notes down on a reciept. Max Im not sure what the results mean yet. Well I know what they mean, im not dumb. I ment I dont know where I go from here untill we meet with the doctors and patholigist. The main reason of the pulmonary hypertension she did not clairfy that much on the phone. Max Im so sorry that I wanted someone to blame in the begining. If someone was to blame it never would have changed anything but i needed a reason other then you or I.  Max baby there is no one to blame. I hate that I ever thought that way. Im sorry. Max peoples kindness amazes me, always will. People dont need to be so kind to me I have done nothing great in my life to deserve it.

Max I feel so sad right now. I really thought I would feel better when something came back. I thought I was prepared. I want to crawl into bed with your bear and fall asleep with you. I miss you more now it seems. The ironic thing is I looked up all things that could have happened to you today. I came accross something that screamed at me! The only thing that makes sense. Well what the doctor is saying fits. The only thing is that is rare and may be a gentic mutatiion. I had planned to call her tomorrow and see if anything came back yet. Max you were sick once you were born and there was no saving you. You were healthy in my belly untill you were discontected from me. Max it seems like we kept each other alive. I too you when you were in my belly, and you keepme alive now. You being connected to me keep you alive, once that changed you had no chance. You were plugged into me baby boy. I live for you baby boy.  When we meet we will go over what will happen next time and the chances of a repeat. They cant tell me it wont happen, No one can ever tell me that the chances are low and your sibling will be healthy. No one can ever promise me such a thing. A healthy baby/pregnancy (seemingly) is not sposssed to end in dealth. So know one can every promise me, or tell me things are ok. The only hope im going to have is going to come from me, and my love of you.

Max my head is spinning all over the place. I wish I could stay home and be alone and just process everything. But I cant I have no more time. I dont want to be negative and dig out of a whole. Im going to need to take off to meet with the doctors, ill need that day off more.

. Max soon you are going to have company where you are. I wish this person could stay on earth, but soon she will be with you. Things are going to be ok. She is going to hold you and watch over you for me untill I meet you again  . Your going to snuggle with her and untill all her babys are with her when its there time. You never met her baby boy, but I belive you will know when she gets there. The pain of losing you is not getting eaiser, somedays I manage better and somedays it seems harder.  Max baby my friend is going to need your love. I wish I could make things ok. Im all ready missing you so, I wish I could take all the pain for everyone. The saddness that comes from grief is not easy.  Max I feel like I cant express how sad I feel . Its empty and I actually feel lost for words. Maybe the toad this morning was preperation and you telling me things are ok. Things will be ok. Max Baby I love you, Thanks for listening. Good night my little love.