looong day! (Day 57)

Max I was excited to come home and unwind. Its been a LONG day. Im a mess but a comforted mess. If that makes any sense. I had another really good time with your NCIU nurse. im lucky that she is around. A lot of people dont have that. She told me some things today, and I guess I told her some as well. Its weird how It seems like we both need each other. I showed her the pictures from the NILMDTS foundation (which Is because of her) I also showed her the ones I have of Max alive. She started crying and said "he is pink" She then told me that she has been second guessing her self, and thinking maybe he was not pink when he came out. Maybe she missed something. But its true, you were pink you were ok. As the NICU nurse I know she did nothing wrong, none of them did. Its the way it is and I need to except that. She also told me the story of her baby girl that was adopted after her baby died and another miscarriage. The story is amazing and it gives me hope, there is no way it would not make anyone step back and say "wow" I will tell you more about her tomorrow. Im drained right now and I dont want to minimize anything. But after leaving there I had to go find something to eat for that antibiotic. I did not have enough time to go home. Max I did not feel like eating. Somedays it is really hard, Its not like im hungry and deciding not to eat. Im just not hungry or I put the food in my mouth and then dont want it. Well I had to eat something, after throwing up this morning and feeling sick, I could not have that again tonight. One because I did not want to start throwing up in the support group and two, I have to take the antibiotic for a reason!. Max i have to have that test tomorrow afterwork. I hate this one. Shane cant be there, but oh well he was not there the first time. Ok well back to what I was talking about. I ate a piece of whole grain flat bread. Basically I shoved it in my mouth and then I chugged some Kefir. Well it was enough to not make me puke and keep the pill down! success!
 Max baby the group was ok tonight. Im drained. Sometimes it was hard to talk. Other times it was harder to listen then it was to speak.  I always feel like I have to make things ok for others. Max baby Ill tell you more about the group tomorrow also. I have so much to tell you. I just need to try to sleep or im going to have another melt down. I need to shut the world off.

Max baby your dad is having a really hard time tonight. He is very angry. I have not seen him this angry in a long time.....Sometimes I worry so much. He is so frustrated with work, bills, life....I know I cant live in a world where people are not angry. I still just hate that he is like that. I wish I could make things better for him your dad is wonderful. Max please watch over him. No matter what I will be ok.  I always am........I will deal and manage. Your dad, well please watch over him. He needs you more then I do my little love.

Max baby tomorrow I will tell you more. I love you SO much. I got to have you for 41 weeks 2 days. You lived 54 mins. You showed me love and that I could carry a baby full term. You gave me hope/pure happiness. You were my joy. You made me a better person. You cured me. Max I dont, not eat now because of trying to lose weight, or some kind of control thing. Im just not hungry. But Max being pregnant with you I ate all the time, I stopped throwing up. Years of being bulimic just stopped. I had excepted the fact that I was going to be that way forever. It was like this weird habit, I could not control. Max you came along and I just stopped. My other pregnancies I still threw up, but you stopped it. After 17 years of being that way, I just stopped. Max you fixed me. Thats an amazing thing. Thats another good thing that came from you Im grateful for.

Max I have cried a lot tonight (sometimes thats not a bad thing) but im emotional drained. I cant take much more. My mind is racing, and im trying to calm down. I love you baby boy and I will write to you tomorrow as soon as I can. Even so today was still ok, and ill take that!

Good night my little love.