Trying

Hi. Today is going to be really slow; actually the whole week is going to be really slow. Most of the judges are gone this week and we only have one inmate and he is for the detectives.

Max I think this whole process and then the most likely feeling that it’s a negative result has sent me backwards in my grief.  It pushed me back real hard on my butt. I really think this whole process has been a buffer almost on how I feel. Then the negative results came in around Christmas, a hard time. Max I was knocked down real hard. Last night I took something to help me sleep. I needed to. Don’t worry if be some slight chance there is still life in my belly, it won’t affect anything. It’s safe. Max I thought I was doing well and then I was set back trying to figure out how to float again (not swim, but float). It sucks. I don’t understand how I can do so well and then be ready to give up completely. Last night it took everything in me not to go back to old comforting behaviors. I was so close Max. But I made a promise to you. I just stopped when I was pregnant with you and won’t ever do it again. It does not mean I don’t want to, and last night was hard.

Max I am so grateful for your dad. I can be all over the place and my mind wonders in all directions. He normally keeps me grounded. Well he came and woke me up at 6:10 and told me that he has been searching the internet. He told me that he does not know where I got my information from and that, according to what he read, the test should not be positive yet. He makes me happy. It does not change how I feel, but he is still holding on to hope and that’s cute. I have lost it all, but he still has some.

I am better today, I think mostly because I’m at work and I have to be. I also woke up in a better mood. (The sleeping pills may have helped) also when your feeling close to your worst, the next day should feel better in comparison-I would think.

Either way I’m going to try to keep my head screwed on tight and facing forward.

Oh someone at work just made me feel really good. He asked about Christmas, I think knowing how hard it possibly could have been. He said to me that I have a child it’s just different. I did not get upset; it made me happy and feel ok. It was kind of nice that someone who has not experience this nightmare could understand that concept.

Im going to try hard to keep it together, all day. Not just at work. I can’t change the outcome of my life. It Is what it is.