Max baby I just got back a little bit ago from my friends moms service. It was beautiful. It was the first time I had been back in a church in years. The service was beautiful. Max it was strange how being at a memorial service for her mommy made me feel close to you. I felt connected to you in this weird way. I felt like you were in me. I was so sad for my friend and her family. The loss is different but I get the pain. Its an awful pain. I wish I could make that pain better, but nothing can really except time and a bit of acceptance. Max her mommy while so sick told my friend she was going to take care of you, that never wavered, she never forgot even towards her last days. She has not seen me since high school and on her last days she thought of you. Maybe this is why i felt like you were with me today. I know thats why my friend saw those pictures of the toads. Its all so strange this dealing of death. Life works in weird ways. When my friends dad spoke it broke my heart. He spoke of such love, the love he had for his wife and best friend. I cant lose your daddy, I need to die before he does. But thats just me being selfish.
Max I think i am excepting that you are dead, not coming back. But I still have you, I know it sounds strange but I feel like your with me. I felt you with me today. I know I wear your ashes, but I was comforted. Or maybe that was my friends mom letting me know your ok.
I also find it strange that I can be so sad, where I cant stop the tears but feel such peace at the same time. Conflicting feelings, but yet there together
Max I put her service card in the room with you. I put her in the box were your things are from the hospital. I though it was the best place. I put her other pictures in your drawer where all your cards are. Its not that I want it put away, just that I think she belongs with you.
Max is it strange that she gives me comfort and that my other family who has passed away for some reason I hope you meet them all especially my mexican grand-mom and your daddys dad. But my friends my gives me comfort and maybe because she knew you had gone before her and that when she got there she was going to be with you. Im not sure what it is but its something.
Max my friend and I were talking about the pictures that were taken weeks before she died and how beautiful she was and how she was well enough just to take them. I told her about the pictures I have of you and how they are so comforting at times.
Max being in the church today was peaceful. i like hearing people sing. Sometimes I think about going back but I dont know if Im to far gone. I also know your dad would not want to go. But I feel like maybe I should go again. Maybe there will be some comfort in it all.
Max please give Mrs.Wert a kiss for her babies and I know she will be hugging you for me. She is Grace and today there was plenty of it.
Im mellow and tired and I really miss you. But like I said im comforted and I know someday I will be ok. Its not easy and it wont be.
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