I ran away to Valley Forge Park

Max well the day is not going much better. Im falling a part fast. I got so mad at your dad today. I'm just mad in general. I know he is dealing in his own way, but I don't think he realizes how much I need him and his support. For him to sleep all day, when I need him makes me even angrier. Then I think of how selfish I'm being and it makes me even madder towards my self and this awful person im becoming. We got in a little bit of a fight so I left, I could not keep it together.it's not his fault at all, I know what I'm doing. I left the house in really messy sweats, hair and teeth not brushed and no bra. I just drove and cried. I like driving but it was not helping. I came back home and he was still on the couch like nothing happened, again not his fault, I caused this and started it.. So I changed my shoes (took the slippers off) grabbed the dog and left again. I did not know where I was going to go. This time I ended up at Valley Forge park. I love that place and have not been there in a long time. While I was there I was ok. I think I cried the whole way there and even screemed twice, really really loud. The poor dog stopped and looked at me. I know I have lost it. But while I was there I was ok. I enjoyed the walk on one of my favorite trails in the woods, the sky was amazing, there where amazing deer, I enjoyed the peace of it all. I took pictures with my phone. But then I had to get in my car and go home. your dad never woke up. I'm home now, I don't think he even knows I was gone. I don't think he cares. I think he's just as tired of me as I am.
Max I don't know what the point of having hope is if there is nothing. At least give me a glimmer of It to hang onto. I have nothing. I'm giving up. Even your dad can't seem to make me feel better. It seems like I'm angry with him, I'm angry because I wanted to start having kids years ago. If we had started then we would now how hard it is and I would not be this old, with a dead baby and no hope of every having kids. I'm angry because nothing he does is helping, I'm angry because he is my best friend and he can't help me. I'm angry at him because he still has hope and thinks it will all be ok. NOTHING is ever going to be ok again. Why can't he get that. BUT all the reasons I'm angry, are stupid and not reasons to be angry with him for. I am very aware that i am taking my frustrations out on him and that's not fair. I can't expect him to know what I need, and make everything ok when I have no idea.

Things seemed like they were getting better and now I feel back to square one. Why Max, why can't i get it together, why can't I just except that your not coming back. Why can't I honor your life by being ok, being happy and being normal. Most days I have hope, but right now it's gone. What's wrong with me

Your dad just woke up and apologized for sleeping all day. He says he has not been feeling well. I know I'm not fair. He had no idea I left. He had no clue at all. He only remembers me leaving the first time. Your dad when he is asleep he is out. I love him
I can't stop writing to you, it's what's keeping me going.
I hugged your dad to try and make everything right again. Nothing will ever be right again. Or thats how it seems right now. But its ok. Tomorrow might be better.

Your dad just told me as much as he tries to keep a positive attitude and encourages me to do the same, he is sad-I know. Im selfish. Im sorry he is sad and im part of the reason. He deserves happiness more then anyone I have ever met. Maybe im just undeserving of it all, and pushing my junk on him. Who knows why it works the way it does. I wish I knew.

I was still able to appreciate how pretty Valley Forge is and how much that place always helps me when im there. It reminds me how small i am in this big giant world. How my problems are nothing compared to someone elses. Even though it sucks right now. Overall it did help. It actaully helped a lot. More then I thought. Im ok.