Toad toy

well I guess im feeling better. Max baby if my moods are anything like someone who has bi-polar it must be awful. Where one moment your fine and then later your a mess. That sucks. I do feel slightly better. Right now im even cooking (well if you consider Spanish rice and beans cooking) ha ha I dont have to use the microwave so I guess it is.
I finally went to the range. Your daddy went with me and watched me shoot. It was ok, I just dont like being there it makes me nervous. But overall I shot well. I only shot from 15yds . I would have been able to pass qualification if I shot like that.
Max on the way I opened the trunk to but the gun in there and there was those dumb baby toys that have been in there since I was 8 months pregnant. I cant seem to take them out but yet I hate that they are in there. Well this time it at first made me really angry I grabbed on of the toys and went to throw it out of my way and then I realized that I was holding a toad baby toy. My anger went away and my eyes filled with tears. It was neat I guess. I told your daddy about it.
On the way to the range, for some reason we started to talk about pancakes. Im not a huge pancake person but I ate them a lot when I was pregnant with you.  Banana chocolate chip pancakes. He asked if I wanted him to make me them again. I said no then said I only wanted them when I was pregnant with you. I started to cry again. I told your daddy that I dont think I will ever be happy again, like I was when you were in my belly. Max I was so happy!! I said im different and will never feel the same again. He asked me if being pregnant again will make me happy. Honesty I told him I dont know. I said I think it may be healing (if it works out) but I dont know If I will ever get back whats missing now. I dont know if I will ever be as happy as I was with you. It seems everything I loved i dont care much about anymore. Yes things are getting better slowly, but I still feel so different. I feel angry and grouchy, my love of life is not there like it used to be. I have hope that this will get better. Somedays are better. Im ok with moving forward, but somedays its so hard and I seem to have very little control. I cried today when I held that toy, those tears I cant help. But Max even thought that toy has been there for months, noticing that it was a toad I know was from you. Thanks baby boy.