Well Max the negative continues…and by that I mean the testing, and I guess my outlook. I just need to accept it. Max its just so hard to except that this is my life, I cant keep a baby alive, even one as perfect as you. I can’t seem to even have one start to develop when someone has made sure my insides where perfect. I just don’t really get it. I can’t describe how low I have become. I just don’t get it. Why can some get pregnant with out a care, they can just look at sperm and BAM there’s a baby.
I was thinking I was happy the day of the transfer, I felt as though somehow you were giving me signs that everything would be ok. But I guess that’s just my mind making me believe things to make my self feel ok. So then I think, is that what I’m doing with everything. Is it really all just a coincidence. Have I made my self believe that those Toads where from you or a symbol of you. I have made it all up. How can any of it be true. How could I have been so dumb to believe that some how all this was signs from you. Max I really wanted to believe it. REALLY I did, I need to believe it and that’s part of the problem I guess. I still need to belive it, but I dont know how. I need you; I need for everything to be ok again. I want to still believe that these things are from you, but how. What do you do when you have run out of all hope and faith?
Max I don’t know what else to say, think or feel……………
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