Christmas part two

3:40Well max the self pitty, self loathing break down happened. I told your dad how annoyed I was with his mom calling her self grandmom to the little dogs. I told him how I wish his dad was there . Then I told him how everything is annoying me. EVERYTHING! Max today I feel low. To be honest a lot worse then I thoughT I was going to. I actually thought i would be better.Today has been really hard. I had a big melt down. I told your daddy he needs to get used to me being barren and that we will never have a child who is alive. I always had this feeling I would never have kids, even though I wanted them. This just contributes to my theory. I don't think he understands that as hard as it is now, my baby making years are going away fast. I'm so tired of hearing I have time Max. He is trying to remain positive for us. I don't think he realizes that I know it's going to stay negative. He is not in my body. As much as I want a positive I have lost all hope. Maybe that's my problem on this stupid Christmas day. I feel hopeless, broken, and do emptyMax I want you back.I realize I will never be happy, like I used to be. I will never be the same person. I can't every have you back. I hate the word grandmother when there is no child in Shane's house. I could not stand the talking in baby voices.

Max as you can see I did not take a nap. I'll try again now, that I'm even sadder.

5:26 well I did fall asleep and I just woke up 15 mins ago by the dog. I want to go back to sleep. I was not aware of how sad I feel when I am asleep. But if I go back to bed, I'll never fall asleep tonight. I also have to have the shot at 9 tonight. I should just stop, there is no point. Also I might take some benadryly tonight. I'm happy when I'm asleep (most times)I don't know what to do with my self. This may be the last time I write tonight. I want you to know I hate life with out you. I hate keeping it together, I hate how I'm no longer happy and optimistic, I hate how angry I have become. I hope that it will go away. There have been days and actually weeks at a time it is better. I'm actually smiling and laugh for real. So I guess there is still hope for all that. I will never be the same, it seems. But I guess there is hope for bettter.

9:42pm Hi baby. Just when I thought I could not feel worse I do. This empty pit is getting bigger.I realize that I'm gone. Im not the same. Maybe tomorrow will be better and I sure hope it is because it can't get much worse then today. Today is one of the worst days I have had in a while. I feel Ike everything is pointless, I don't know why I even bother, Max I'm missing you so much. I made the mistake of looking at facebook and this person I know who was pregnant while I was pregnant, who gave birth the night before you. Well her baby was a premi. He was born very early and is doing very well. Well she complained about this being the worst Christmas ever. HOW! Does she not realize how lucky she is, WHAT she has. But then who the hell am I to make this statement . She must feel its the worst if she would say that, but maybe she should switch with me. Because for me this is the worst Christmas ever, you are not here, your DEAD,Max I can't stop crying and I'm no I'm being mean to your dad. It's not intentional, I just am miserable. I want to drink this bottle of wine we have and take some Benadryl so I get some good deep sleep. But your dad won't let me, he is still hanging onto hope that your going to have a sibling. I sure hope I'm wrong. Max I'm tired of crying but I can't seem to help it. I'm in such a funk and everything is bothering me. The only comfort I have right now is your bear. I'm sorry but there is probably lots of tears on it. I know the last post was to be the last but.....the only way I feel better sometime is to write.