mid day and evening.

(Midday sadness 11:31am)

Someday we will meet again. For now give me hope. The days are long, the nights are short. I can’t even find peace in my sleep. Each day I feel weaker, and the sadness grows deep.

I need hope to believe that it will be all right. Hold on to the love you brought in me. My insides ache, my body hurts, my soul weeps. Each day that passes seems to get harder to breath. Its strange I should be getting better, but slowly drifting further.

Im scared I will never meet you again. I can’t stop the way I feel. I wish I could. I don’t want to be stuck in this dark sadness. Your life is worth more then my negativity. I often wonder about the future and how I will be. If I am lucky to become pregnant, and have a living baby will I be ok. Will I know I will love the child deeply, but what if I love them less. What if I will always want you here instead of them.

Max my life seems like it will never be ok again. Once you died I had no clue how I was going to keep on breathing. Somehow I did .  Somehow I made it through. In a year I may be different. But truly it seems like it gets harder and harder, just in different ways. Max I gained so much with you, but when you died so did part of me.

Max I’m very internal today. I’m lost in my head with my thoughts. My need to have you back is so strong. Not to have a baby, but to have you back. I cant go get you. I cant die until me time.  I don’t want to die, I just want to close my eyes and have you. Or to wake up and have you with me. If only you knew how much I need you.

Im emotional in this hour, teary and within myself. I love writing to you, but sometimes I wonder if Im not moving on because all I want to do is be with you. I know there is no time line of when I should stop. I hope its good for me.

Baby boy I need the strength to get through some days. People say things to me and it takes so much to control the rage I feel, the sadness I feel. Its strange because im “sensitive” lately and the strangest litte things take up my though waves. I guess what it comes down to is Im just sad.  This day is still long. I am still here. But I will be ok. Thats right my little love. I will be ok.


6:40
Your daddy and I are watching our friday TV. Shows that are on during the week but we wait till friday to watch them. Its one of my favorite things to do lately. Max im doing ok tonight. Im a bit moody I guess well your dad says I am. I feel like I cant help it.  I try not to, and I dont realize I am until he makes it clear. I appreciate his honesty. Its never mean, and normally he is right. Im just a mess I guess. 
Max baby I ate so much tonight. My belly is full. But im ok. Im better then I was, with my mid day thinking. 
Im going to spend some time with your dad. He seems to want to hang out with me.Im not to sure why, but he does, but I owe that to him. 
I love you. I will talk to you soon don't worry.