Max last night/yesterday was a really bad day. Having to know that it was Christmas and you were not here was beyond hard. I was so angry. I have never been angry like this in my life. Then on top of that (my own fault for testing) to confirm my fears of not getting pregnant just hit me hard. Your daddy and I don't have the money to try over and over and IVF was so hard, we only have 3 embryos left and then it's over. We can't afford and I don't know if I can do the IVF again. Everything was crashing around me and missing you was so strong. It was almost like trying to conceive was buffering all my emotions surrounding you. I was feeling ok.
I need to except that this is how it is. Yesterday was just So hard Max everything about it was. Yesterday was one of my top 10 lowest days. I don't thinki expecting it to be that bad. Max I was ready to give in and not get back up. Today I'm still feeling like that but it's better. I'm glad I have off work today . I think today is better because I cried so much yesterday, because Christmas is over (even though it's still all around me and I have to do it again next week) and I took another pregnancy test this morning, just to confirm what I all ready now. Maybe I was still holding on to false hope. It's still a big fat negative and I except that a little more today then I did yesterday. Max I guess I was hoping and wishing for to much, like I always do. I don't know why but I was hoping that having the procedure on the 19 (that was the day of your procedure) would bring me good luck. Or like talking to you would help. But all I said was "to make it ok" I did not ask for you to make it work just for it to be ok. I know I said if its going to fail I want it to fail in the beginning. It still hurts, knowing that this is my life.
Max I missed you so much last night. I can't describe how much it hurt. I asked your dad if I drove my car real fast, as fast as I could and ran into a wall. what would I feel? Would I stop missing you? He looked at me like I was nuts and said if you don't die your going to have a lot more problems? Don't worry Max that's something I would never do, i was just thinking nothing could feel as bad as my missing you.
Max I did not get out of bed till 1030. I love being in bed and sleeping, things seem to be better, then I always wake up thinking things will be better, and then I snap back into reality. I need to wait this out till Friday, take the blood test and then move on. But my neurotic self will test everyday until then. I don't like surprises, I want to be prepared for the negative phone call. (I have like 50 extremely senstive pee sticks, from amazon)
Maybe today will be better. I love you.
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