My love...

"And if I go while you’re still here...

Know that I live on, vibrating to a

different measure behind a thin

veil you cannot see through. You

will not see me so you must have

faith. I wait the time when we can

soar again, both aware of each

other. Until then, live your life to

its fullest, and when you need me

just whisper my name in your

heart.... I will be there."

Author Unknown

Hi My little love. Today was better over all. I had a moment in the early part of the day but its ok. I have a co-worker whose uncle is on life support and they are pulling the plug today. He said it will take two hours for him to die. Well he started talking about how he was going to suffocate. I should have been better for him, but all I could think about was you. You basically suffocated. The way he was talking about the pain his uncle may feel, and that they can give him pain medications but he will still suffocate, made me want to scream and run away so badly. I try not to think of any pain you may have had because it hurts me so much to think about. I tell my self you died fast and did not feel the suffocation. Its still to much to think about. 

I spent all of my free time today making things online for you. I found this website where I can customize everything. I made like 4 ornaments, coffee mugs, magnets, I was able to combine toads and your perfect little body and feet on everything. I think my order is way over 100 dollars. Not sure if I will buy any of it but I just loved doing it all day. Combing you and the toads makes me happy. I showed your dad and he basically said to use the pictures of you alive. He does not like the ones of you dead. He said he would rather see you alive. I guess I understand. I also look at the pictures a lot more then he does. I think im more used to them. He said he just does not like the tube coming out of your mouth. But anyway doing that all day kind of helped me. 

I just got back from running at the gym. Again it made me so sad, I dont know why its been doing that. It used to be my release. But I get sad, angry and guilty. 

Overall though baby today was better then the weekend. Work was sort of busy and a fast day. That was a good thing. 

Max I love you and cant wait to see you again someday. I wonder if this is normal to miss you so much and to talk to a dead baby.