Wednesday, December 21, 2011
A letter came in the mail, with your name.
Hi baby, I'm feeling a little bit better tonight. So I guess that's good. My lungs hurt though but that's par for the course with me being sick. But max Im real worried because I have had cramps since about 230 I hope this is a good thing. But my head is spinning with fears and worrys. I wish I could just test now. Your dads made a good point, he says it's most likely implantation cramps, because of all the drugs I'm on, my period won't start until I stop them. I really hope mr.smarty pants is right. either way it's making me worried, I'm trying not to think touch into it either way. But Max I have a wondering mind in general, so it's hard .
Max today during the traing was hard and i feal guilty. I had to go to this mandatory bullying training. The instructor asked people to raise there hands if they have kids. max I have a kid, you may not be here but you are still mine well I did not raise my hand and I feel so guilty for that. I just thought well what if he was to ask for examples,or wanted to know ages. I just kept my hand down. But Max I feel so guilty like I betrayed you. Then we had to go around the room and say who the most important person into us, and we weren't allowed to say our dogs. Well the first thing that came I my head was you, Max, but out loud I said your daddy. I just thought it was the most appropriate to say his name and not yours. But I feel so guilty, baby. I'm sorry. Please don't be mad with me. I just thought that it was the best thing to do in the moment. I realized that it's always going to be hard like this,it's always going to be a challenge. The world will never understand unless, sadly they understand.
Sometimes Max I feel like people expect me to be moving on. Well I don't want to be stuck in life, but. Also can't move on. There is no moving on. You don't just get over it. max I'm a strong person, I get over things, Ido move on. Or I'm just really good at pretending. But this I can't, it's so damn hard.
Max I got a Christmas card in the mail today from a friend. To be honest it was the first Christmas card that I wanted to open and read. All the others I either give to your daddy or open and put in a pile. They are just so hard seeing happy family's and pretty things. Well this card was addressed to me, your dad and YOU! Your name was in the card. Max I started to cry right away, happy tears. Max that ment so much to me. It's amazing how much a small some gesture can mean so much. Max kindness means so much to me, someone thought of you, and us as a family.
Max I love you
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I definitely think of you guys as a family...
ReplyDeleteI also just read this passage about the winter solstice (yesterday/today) and it made me think of Max.
"The winter solstice (December 21st) is the point where the sun enters the zodiacal sign of Capricorn, its extreme southern declination. The sun has descended lower in the sky than it will all year. For three days it stops moving north or south (ascending or descending) and is “still.” It then begins to ascend again on the 25th, the high holy day of Christmas – the festival of the Sun’s return. To the mystic, Christmas and other festivals of this season (Hanukkah, Dawali and Kwanzaa) are celebrations of Light, reminding us that as spirit we too ascend and descend. We have descended into form and shall ascend once again at the appointed time."
Max's appointed time came too early for the rest of us, but at least we can know that he has peace that the rest of us are only searching for...
Jerk-Your not allowed to make me cry at work!
ReplyDeleteThanks I really like that a lot! i also hate winter because it so dark and someone reminded me that after the 21st the days will start to get brighter.
Sorry about the crying! But I agree, I've been counting down to this day, because it is like "rock bottom," the days only get brighter and longer from here.
ReplyDeleteI love you :)