I guess today is a write to you more then twice kind of day. Max I was a little inspired today to do something. I guess I was feeling a little hopeful or ok. SO I went to target with the cd that we were given with you pictures. For the first time I printed out pictures of after you died. I made a big poster and blew up some of my favorites. I printed out every picture in a 4x6 and most of them in 5x7. I made some big 11x14 ones of your little feet and one of your body. I made a big poster size of all the black and white ones and a smaller poster size of the colored ones. I was a little scared while selected. I did not want any one to look at them, but them the more I sat there, the less I cared. Someone even came next to me and I stopped almost hiding the screen. I did not care that the photo person was going to see them. I should be proud of them, not sad, or not wonder what people will think. While waiting for them I went and looked at photo frames. Could not find any I like, also could not find a photo album for the 4x6s. But I guess the first step was that I actually went and printed some pictures. Im sure they will sit in the package for a while (I put them next to your crib) but im ok with that.
Max when I got in the car and held the pictures I started to cry, like really cry. It was ok though. I just sat there with the music on, held your pictures and looked at some of the bigger ones and just cryed. I cried on the way home, I actually cried most of the way home. But I was ok. I hope you heard me talking to you. Today was a very emotional day. Not a bad day, just very emotional. I am tired from it. Emotions are draining.
I love you so much. Somedays I dont know how Im going to go on to the next day. The next day just seems to come.
This is so hard Max baby. The hardest thing ever.
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