Christmas part one

1208pmMax I'm sitting here at Shane's house for his family's Christmas. I'm miserable and Feel like such a miserable person. I can't seem to get out of this funk. I feel bad for your daddy. I'm trying to be happy. But I'm just not. Yesterday I was in a Christmas mood I guess, I felt the need to watch church. I even though about going today because somehow I miss the peace of it. The songs and the ease. But ha ha. Don't miss the long mass and sitting there for an hour. But today I'm miserable.

I also am convinced I'm not pregnant. I feel I should be able to have a positive pregnancy test by now. Also with you last year I had really bad indigestion, your dad said last year it was from the progesterone. I knew it was from being pregnant. Well I think It was from being pregnant because I'm on the same amount this year that I was last year. Another reason why I don't think it's happening this time. All the test have been negative, your dad keeps sayiNg its early.but I know better. I know it's not going to turn positive. By the way max I still have cramps. I should not have these anymore. For a moment I thought i just may be pregnant and I got a bit of hope and a just maybe......... But that has gone away. I know it's not going to happen. I am saad about It. But I said if it was not going to work I want it to not work from the beginning. Just acknowledging it is still hard. Knowing that I'm losing hope on ever having a baby that stays alive.

Max I really want to go home.I should stop typing and try to not be so rude. I owe that much to your dad. But I guess it's my defense to allow my self to be ok.The cramps are still going.... :

(1:44 pm Max if I don't write to you my frustration will. Show on my face. Shane's brother has 3 of those little pocket dogs. Well his mom keeps talking to them in this baby voice. So does his brother. They are not baby's.you were a baby They are small annoying dogs. She then calls her self grandmom to them. Oh! Is that how that works. it's driving me insane . Then stuff like "grandmom loves you" why does this make me soooooo angry To the point were I want to scream. Max the funny part is I don't remember when I become this mean. This miserable, this bitter. When did I become like this. I'm starting to hate me, even more.

I do really miss Shane's dad being here. He was my favorite one to see. He always saw through everything and him and I were always on the same page. Him and I would sit and hang out. Max you to would really like each other. Ha ha I know he is up there rolling his eyes. Looks like its time to leave. The day is half over. Max I'm ready to cry. I'm doing my best to keep it together. But because I'm trying to keep it together, I feel rude. I want to cry and scream.

2:50Home now. I cryed most of the way home. The most in the driveway. I going to take a nap now,mostly because I'm really sad. So it might be better to keep. I have you bear with. I need him.