Tomorrow

Max I thought I was done writing. I was not to sure if it does any good. I think that maybe its another one of those falsehoods i Believed in. But max through out the whole day, I was thinking of you and talking to you. Whatever it is, at the very least it helps me. Do I wish you could hear me, do I want to believe it yes, but in all reality I know it's not true. But for now I will continue to do it anyway.

I'm angry, so very angry and bitter I think. I'm so mad at the world. I'm faithless, and despondent . I just don't get it. I don't get why...Why to several questions.
I believed things were going to get better, I hopped things would improve, but lately I seem worse and worse and worse. Today I'm just here, I did not cry, did not do much of anything in terms of emotion other then just exist.

I spend most of my time at work avoiding people, and ironically today while in wawa far away from work I run into a lady, who gave me her "I'm sorrys" she is a very nice lady and I had her son my first year at camp cadet. I wonder what she thought because as she was talking to me, I just stood there, in bleached stained black sweat pants, my favorite Philadelphia wings sweatshirt, hair not brushed , and hood up and just acknowledge what she said to me. Oh well. I don't know what I'm suspossed to say, to people BUT I'm grateful that she all ready knew. I hate having to tell people your dead.
Tomorrow is the official blood work, it's not going to change what I know. I'm done (for now) crying over it. It's just my life, I need to accept it. I myself said if its not going to work I would like it to never happen. I need to remember my own words. Still though it seems like by now, being 31 having multiple failed baby attempts, having you die after I thought I would keep you and then this when the conditions were made to be perfect, maybe I need to stop wanting, to accept that I will never have this. That's tough Max. (now the tears come)
max I'm told I'm young, no I'm not. Statistically each year it will get harder and harder, and that's for normal people who can connive on there own. I'm envious of those who just want to make a baby and get pregnant. I'm envious of those who get to keep there baby's. I think everyday why? Why us? Maybe that's my problem.
I took your Christmas tree down, and boxed it all up, for next year.
Maybe if I stop wanting, stop wishing stop trying. Max in a last hope that the 4test I took today were wrong, I did something that someone who would be pregnant would not do. I did it because just maybe if I do something bad, it would change the results and become positive. It makes sense to me. People who take drugs, smoke, drink, don't take care of themselves get baby's. So taking an ADD pill will either change the results to positive and then I will feel bad for a week, or it will remain negative and the worst that happened was I was organized today and went through the bills that have piled up. I know it makes no sense. Max I know it's a negative and now I just need the blood to confirm. I need to get this huge needle one more night, because your dad says its not over till the bloodwork. Easy for him, it's not his butt. Max I'm tired(not sleepy) just so tired of being, trying, hoping. I would Iike to say I'm done, I give up and just run away. But unfortunately I can't, that's not me. I'm a pathetic day dreamer, who always wishes to much, but I will continue. It has to get better...right?