Hi my love. Today has been moving real fast and I got busy, but as of right now it's going really slow. Everyone is either on lunch or doing lunch reliefs so it's the perfect time to be able to write to you with out people watching over my shoulder. Max I had weird dreams again, they were not bad just odd. So far things are going ok today. I still feel hopeful. Today is also a little busy so that is helpful. Max I miss you, today I was talking about being pregnant with you at work. I like how when things come up during the time that I was pregnant that I can say I was. I can openly talk about when I was pregnant. It really was a happy time. I think those 9 months were some of the happiest months of my life.
Max today two attorneys who I know fairly well on conversational basis came through today. They used to work in the juvenile court a lot (one still does) I used to be up there all the time so I got to know them. Well they knew I was pregnant. I have no idea if they no what happened to you. I think the one does, just because he is still up there all the time and works with a friend of mine. But he said it was good to have me back. It was nice I guess. It was real busy in here so that was helpful. But he is a very kind man and I don't think I would have been to avoidant with him. The other lady simply said she has not seen me in a while and it was good to see me sitting here. I don't think she has any idea what happened to you Max baby. But again it was real busy in here and she did not ask about you so it was ok. Still it makes me think of you and miss you. It makes me think of what I should be bragging about, how cute you would be. You should be 4 months soon, but instead its going to be 4 months since you died.
Max I honestly feel undeserving of happiness and a living child, like somehow this is payment for everything I have done in my life. But then I think I have not done anything to deserve something like this. I think I need to come up with a list of why I deserve happiness, but then that may be a bit selfish. Everyone deserves happiness. I just think I have not hurt any body, I don't use drugs and I sure will love any baby, and then there are people who have babies addicted to crack, my sister who puts an idiot boy (not a man) before her kids, people who have like 10 kids and don't want any of them, people that give there kids up because there is something wrong with them. People that abuse them so on and so on, BUT yet I could not have you and trying to have a baby Is so hard. I don't understand why, but I guess that's how life is. I try to live life by thinking of others and treat everyone how I want to be treated. I never treat an inmate, like they are bad people (Good people who make mistakes go to jail also) so I wonder why. OH well I cant change any of that, so I need to keep my head on straight and think ahead and think positive. That's all I can do-right baby boy!
Max I love writing to you, it always makes me feel better. Max if you have any control over this crazy universe can you wish and hope for something good please.
Love you
No comments:
Post a Comment