Today was a really bad day! But it was a normal day, at first. I wrote the next part about 11:30 and then the rest you will read.....then I just get angry and you will see why
Max I just wanted to tell you that I love you. I hate the way I feel. I'm just so angry and bitter. Everything pisses me off. I'm so different then who I used to be. I try to be ok and happy, but I'm always on edge. Grumpy. I thought I needed this and it turns out i still do.
Max also I put so much in myself for hope of the new year. That things would be different, better, I would be less said. It would be my turning point. But now it seems like i put to much into that. I don't think things are going to change. Not in the way I was hoping. Again me and my day dreaming falsehoods. Hanging on to hope and daydreams. I was told as a child day dreaming, staring out the window won't get me anywhere. Well that's right. I'm no where.
Well it's a negative, but I knew that. Should I call this my self fulfilling prophecy, I will never seem to have a baby(I should say that stay alive, because I sure did have you) is this my fate. I don't know why, I don't understand and I hate it. I don't think I can live like this, I used to have hope, lots of it, then a little. Now I'm have nothing, I feel bad for Shane. I'm not happy, I hate my life and it's not his fault. I'm a big believer in if you don't like something then change it. BUT how do I change this. How do I make myself pregnant, how do I keep a baby alive. How do I bring you back. I tried the positive thinking, the praying, it changes nothing it's all bullshit! It's all a falsehood AGAIN!
Ok now! Well the day was going... I was waiting for the phone call . The negative blood work phone call actually eating lunch today and was called up t the bosses office. Here there is a circle of chairs. I was told to sit! Ya umm I worked mental health I knew where this was going! It was my boss, my sergeant, and the lieutenant, they being to tell me they are worried about me. Blah blah blah. The thing that made me so angry was they are concerned because I don't express to them how I feel. Since when do I have to express my self at work. I am a private person and do things own my own. Max I'm so angry I'm having a hard time writing. I was told people are worried because of my pictures of you and the Christmas ones on Facebook. Well who the "F" are they to tell me that I can't have pictures of you in what ever way I want. They can with there kids . To tell me that they are concerned because I don't talk to them about my feelings is bull shit. My sgt. States to cry hysterically in this meeting that she needs me open up to her. Ummm no I don't. I wanted to laugh actually. So I guess a prearranged meeting with HMS was set up, so I was driven there. The only good thing I guess was, this guy I met with actually agreed with me, that at work it's work. I don't need to be emotional, I don't need to express myself. I was very honest and told him I'm angry, emotional, basically a mess, but I have resources, I was a case manager I know how to get them, I have my husband. I told him that I am not the best verbally but writing helps, and usually when I'm done writing I'm better. I told him that I went to therapy and it did help with the shock, and it was good at the time. I told him it was not going to last and I knew she was not going to work. I said I have nothing against therapy, I have been before and am all for it. But this is not some generic thing and for someone to give me advice when they have no idea, makes me angry. I told him if he finds me someone who has been through it, I'm all for it. If its a generic trained in grief no! This guy thought everything I'm doing is fine, and told me that there is no reason for me to have to return and he would let my boss know. oh and the ironic part is we worked at Devereux together, but in different places. BUT I'm am soooo pissed, so frustrated and what to say "who the fuck are you!" Max since when is doing your job well a f-in problem. And for them to be so emotional. Ahhhh so this will now be blocked just in case, because this is how I express my self and I will not filter myself when I'm home. I will not, not as what's on my mind. I vent and ramble, this helps.
max then they wanted to have me go in plan clothes, thinking it will help me. Nope having work be work helps. Thankfully she listened. I need it to be normal, why can't work just be normal.
Oh and to finish it off, the phone call came and it's negative. But I knew that, and that ironically was not the hard or the bad part of the day. I knew it was negative. I'm ok with it now, as much as I can be.
But for everyone who thinks I'm not doing well FUCK off. (sorry for my language Max) you trying being in my shoes and see what it is like. Better yet return to work and do your job well, and be told your not dealing or moving on because you are not emotional AT work!
Max i was so mad, that im actually ok. It made me so angry and a bit hyper that I am not sad. Your dad wants to go to the store for odds and ends. We also need to get my mom something for christmas. Im actually ok with it. Im not sad, just productively pissed.
Oh Shue, hugs and hugs and hugs. I haven't kept up with reading the last week, I knew the holiday would be hard and you were waiting for the results so instead of reading I was concentrating on sending out positive thoughts for you and Shanie.
ReplyDeleteThe work situation is hard. I see both sides. I understand why you feel like you do, I understand why people who care about you (work or not) are worried, I worry too. But happening in a place where you should not be expected to talk about your feelings would feel very uncomfortable.
I know I told you this, but one of the things that helped me so much this year was learning that I have to see people as responsible for themselves or I try to case manage for them. Sometimes I feel like this is cop-out instead of learning a good way to set boundaries. But in so many ways, it's helped me feel better day to day. But I do worry for you, I read what you write and I want to be able to take some of this for you, I want to tell you that you must find a counselor, that you shouldn't be so hard on yourself, etc etc etc. But those are decisions that you will make in your life, it's not my role to tell you what to do. Neither is it your supervisors, but I think it's clear it came from a place of good intentions...not that knowing that always helps.
I went to lunch with Beth today. I saw people from your work at Carolino's and thought of you across the street ( how strange some of this might have been going on right then??)...Beth asked about you and Max, and I told her about why he died. She said exactly the right things, I wish you could have heard them too. I hope she gets her masters and counsels someday, I think she'd be fantastic.
I realize it's getting to the point that I've just written too much and should have just emailed you. But I love you, Shane and Max, and the pets, and even if I don't write, know that everyday I think of you. I don't think there is one answer, we just have to get through each day and do the best we can. Some days it won't be much. But it's enough.
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ReplyDeleteI really should just delete that comment and start over again
ReplyDeleteOhhh on an ironic though, while I was meeting with a former devereux employee you were meeting with beth one of our former friend and devereux coworker, then I decided to post on face book that I'm doing a massive deletion of Facebook people, Beth told me that you said the same about deleting people. How's that for some weird crazy devereux circle of what ever"........ha ha
ReplyDeletehaha! i saw that, it made me laugh. It seems no matter what, Devereux is going to haunt all of us....
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