A nice break.

Hi my little love. Overall today stayed ok. I am so grateful for a better day. I have been feeling real low, scary low actually. Whether or not it creeps back in tomorrow, today was a nice break. I cant say I had a good day, but I did not have a bad day SO thats fine with me. The headache is still hanging out, but its bearable. It comes and goes with waves of intensity.
I am going to go in early tomorrow and open. That means I have to wake up extra early, but I get to leave work 2 hours early. Its a good pay off.
Max there are things bothering me, but im going to try not think about them. Im going to try and block everything out so this day can end well. One thought though its that Michelle Duggar, the one with the 19 kids was pregnant again, and I was a little jealous. I really wanted you, I would have settled with just having one healthy baby. She had 19 of them. I had that thought I always do "She will get to keep the baby, nothing bad will happen" Well sadly it did she miscarried in the second trimester. Thats just awful. I can deal with first trimester, but the second must be so hard. I feel bad for being jealous. It also reminds me that I may get pregnant again, and I may lose that baby also.  I assume when you have 19 and the 20th passes away, you still are so very sad. It must be even worse that he life is so public. Everyone knows.
I wonder when its decided you go to heaven, Like is there guidelines. under 20 weeks it does not count over 20 and your in Heaven. I wonder how that works. All those spiders I killed are they in heaven. Is there a place for everything, not matter how little. If a cell does not divide like it should and it is a very early miscarriage, is there heaven for that to. Just a thought I guess. Max there is a heaven for you though. there has to be...

I love you so much and really appreciated this break today. It gives me hope again that someday I will be ok. (now hopefully I will stay this way, I seem to go up and down a lot)
Love you so very much.