preapring my self.....

Hey my love. Today is going to be interesting. I’m not so sure how its going to be. To be honest I’m a little scared and unsure. I’m not longer in the comfort of the control room. I knew this day would come to an end and I would need to deal with it. Well today is the day I need to deal with it. I’m at the duty desk today. I have to deal with co-workers and lawyers. We have 24 inmates, that means there will be a lot of lawyers coming in. It’s my job to let them in, sign them in, and then making small talk. To be honest I really don’t want to be here. I know I need to deal with real world things. I can’t hide forever.  Maybe in the end this will be good. I need to be able to still do my job. I’m just so anxious and so overwhelmingly sad. So very very sad actually. I’m not really sure what to do with my self.  Not only do I feel so down, I feel like it shows also. Today I need to go back to taking one hour at a time. Maybe even a ½ hr at a time. Where I am is a big open room (sort-of) so I have to make the screen small so know one sees what Im writing to you. I can’t even work on my toad/pictures of you things. For some reason they give me comfort. But this is the real world and I can’t hide.  I would like to hide though. I hope people don’t want to talk to me. I know that sounds rude. I’m not really that rude. I just don’t know if I can handle happy fake conversations. I feel shut down and avoidant. But at the same time I guess this is a good thing. I can’t hide forever. I need to face and deal with life. It’s just such a challenge, just when I think I’m doing ok. I get pushed down.

So here is an example of a stupid conversation. A co-worker who I don’t mind just started a stupid conversation about wanting to kill his daughter. He has his daughter. His daughter is not dead. If only he knew what it would be like with out his child. Stupid conversations. How am I to engage these… I can’t tell people I don’t want to listen. I guess I just go with the motions, one moment at a time. I need to remember to breath. I wish I could just type to you all day. Really it’s all I want to do. Is that normal. Some one else just asked me how my thanksgiving was. Ha I said I did not have one. What is wrong with me… I feel so rude and out of it.

Max I’m tired emotional and overwhelmed.

Not including today there are 25 more days in the month. I really hope January is everything I want it to be. A new year-A new start. Good bye 2011. I will not miss this year.

I should stop writing. I don’t know how much its helping (well it is helping) I just don’t know if I should be. I’m sure I will write you a lot latter