Tears again out of nowhere

Hi baby boy. I was doing well today, or so I thought. The work day was fine, I was even able to leave when the rest of the county did again. But when I got home I had another melt down. I think what triggered it was your dad and I have this routine where we watch a silly show at 5 together before he starts work. Well one of the characters is pregnant and going in to labor, I was in the bathroom and just blurted out that her baby is not going to die. From there I just went down hill. I asked him why you Max had to be the baby that had to die. I could not stop crying. Or I should say I could not control the tears from coming. I just got so sad. Looking at your little face broke me tonight. normally it makes me smile, but I was just so sad. I felt so awful and low. The thing is I was fine and just like that I feel like poop. Your dad and I talked about how much we miss you. I explained to him that I knew something was wrong before they said you were dead. I always new you were dead, but I told him that recently its been like FOR REAL, Or maybe I should describe it as it hit me again that I will never have you back as my baby. Then wanting to have a sibling for you and another child I think is a lot more stress then I anticipated. Max I am so scared that it will not work or that something will happen. your dad said to have hope, that things will be ok. I told him I thought you were ok and look what happened. I asked him if he thinks we will never have a living child. He was honest and said that he does think about that, but whats to have hope. Im just so sad with out you, sometimes I dont think I know how awful I really feel, like I pretend so much that im ok, and then it hits me by surprise and knocks me down. Then the stress of trying to have another baby that hopefully will stay on earth. Well your dad seems to think thats part of my emotionality, I think it may partially be the hormones, but honestly I am taken back at how hard this is. How Much I loved you, even though I only met you for  brief moment. (The best moment of my life) I dont think he or anyone really understands how empty  my insides feel. How lifeless I have become. How you this tiny little boy could change my life forever.  I wish, wish, wish I could just go back and change one thing that would somehow lead me to you.
What if this happens again. I dont know if Im strong enough to do this again, but I cant not try.
I hate how I have good days and think the tears are over and then I come home and have a meltdown out of nowhere!!! But right now Im doing better, just so so so tired and sad. I wish I could just go lay in bed and fall asleep. I dont want another night talking pills but I may. I am opening tomorrow so I need to get up super early.
Max I love you, you sure are one special boy. By the way when I kiss your bear and picture I hope you can feel it.