The Grinch: The nerve of those Whos. Inviting me down there - and on such short notice. Even if I wanted to go my schedule wouldn't allow it. Four o'clock, wallow in self pity; 4:30, stare into the abyss; 5:00, solve world hunger, tell no one. 5:30, jazzercize. 6:30, dinner with me. I can't cancel that again. 7:00, wrestle with my self-loathing; I'm booked. Of course, if I bump the loathing to 9 I could still be done in time to lay in bed, stare at the ceiling and slip slowly into madness. But what would I wear? Hi my little boy, one more day till Christmas is official and the one more week till I have to do it again. Max I was watching the grinch last night with you dad and I decided maybe there is hope for me. I mean if the grinch can come around then maybe I can. The thing that made me happiest was that the dogs name was Max. I know that sounds strange being happy that a dogs name was Max. Thats not what I mean. What made me happy was hearing your name out loud. The Grinch would say things to his Max that made me smile and think those are things I feel right now. I have decided that I just have to deal with it. If I avoid it, in the end it's going to make things harder for me. I will have to deal with even more looks and comments, so if I just pretend to be happy and ok with the holidays it may help those around me and in the end me. Max normally I like Christmas and the time of year, and kindness of people. I love what Christmas is truly about I love the feel and excitement in the air. I love the joy in people. I just don't have that. Tomorrow I will appreciate and except it. But our society has made it into a child's holiday, filled with joy for kids and for the parents to watch them. maybe in my mind if I go back to the real meaning I will be ok. Maybe I will pretend its just another day. Right now I'm fine, it's the anticipation and the need to get it over with thats driving me nuts. max baby your dad and I have done no shopping. Well I bought some things for him online that are on back order. He wants to go to the mall. I think he is crazy. For him this is nothing new, he does this every year. I wish I was on a warm island alone. I know Christmas is about family, but what do you do when you feel like your family is broken and it's your fault, or your the reason why. I can't fix this one for everyone Max. This is the one thing in my large dysfunctional family I can't make ok. Max I'm ok. I'm going to go take the Beanz dog for a walk, and laugh at your daddy while he gets ready to go to the mall. I love you Max and you make me smile, you are my joy.