A Christmas tree for you.

Max right now Im really agitated so maybe writing to you and telling you what I did will help. today was interesting for me. The morning was good but the day in general was long. The afternoon was real slow. I had to go to the dentist after work for cleaning. I really did not want to go. I have known my dentist and his wife (who also works there) since I was in 9th grade. They know what happened to you and they are wonderful people, I just did not want to deal with it. BUT i had all ready cancelled once. Before the appointment I had 40 mins. We needed cat food and I needed a heating pad for the shots in my butt . Well I dont know why something happened inside me where I decided that I dont want Christmas this year and thats my choice, but you should be able to have one. Well I actually bought a tree for you. Its a real little 2ft tree. I bought little lights for it also. I dont know why but I did. It made me feel good, not sad. Im surprised I did this and happy I did it. There is nothing christmas in this house other then your 2 ornaments right now and now the tree. I put it in your room.  I dont know why but somehow i think talking with someone yesterday helped. No one told me I need to do anything, i decided that on my own. But I really think the conversation helped a lot. Its a neat thing how much someone I dont know well can be so helpful. Where as people I have known for a long time, I cant seem to have a conversation at all with. Maybe its because she understands. Im very grateful Max. I took pictures for you. I makes me a little sad that this is your first christmas, and this is all I have done. But yesterday I was not going to do anything, and today I bought you a tree. I have not received the ornaments I made for you online yet, but when I do they will be there.
Max I have done nothing other then buy one gift for one niece, and buy something for Shane online. No christmas cards, no decorations, nothing. THats just how I need it to be. But like I said, I decided you should have Christmas its such a special time of year. i could not decide if I should put it on top of your box from the hospital or in the window. I settled on the window, so that maybe you can see it through the sky.
Max my chief at work I connect with on a different level. He bugs everyone at work, just because he is old and set in his ways, he also likes to stir people up. But him and I get along real well.  He lost his wife 2 years ago to a long fight of cancer. Well him and I were talking about Christmas. He basically told me that its ok, that im not into it, that im not doing anything. He said this year he still wants it to be that way. But he said last year he forced him self for his family and grandkids. This year he said he is doing the same-forcing it. He told me to do what I want, but to also not hide from the world. He understands, thought. He was not telling me to do anything, but understood. There are not manny people at work I will actually talk to and its interesting that the one who seems to get it the most is an old man. No matter what age pain is pain. Max he loved his wife, most people love there spouses, but he adored her and her to him. Watching them together was so cute. I cant every lose your daddy. We talked about my birthday. Thats actually when he said to allow Shane to take me out. I told him that im just not into it. Dont want to do anything. We talked about how being around people was getting easier. He is a good man. He was going to retire (his health is poor) but the Sheriff convinced him to stay part time. Im glad he is.
Max im grateful for such kind people.
Well I need to go ice my butt cheek baby (that may be to much information).
Max if your up there can you send some angel dust down this way. I love you.

Your Tree in your room.

The tree in your window