A tough day.

Hi, this morning was real crappy.  I was not expecting it and I was hit by a real emotional surprise. So far I have been very lucky and able to avoid other people then the ones I work with. I have gotten used to that, which has helped with the emotions at work. I was getting back into a grove and basically able to handle things most days. Well today im in roll call planning on the usually. Duty desk in the AM and control room in the PM. I had an emotional day when I transitioned to the duty desk from the control room, but I was still hidden from most of the world. Well I heard my name and the lobby called, I was hit with emotion. I knew the day was coming and so far I have been grateful of how they have been treating me. I know im not special and need to be everywhere. After all I am a supervisor. In all honesty I think it was good they transitioned me to the duty desk and yes even though I hate to admit it the lobby. I know I cannot hide forever. I need to just do it.  I managed I survived, but even still it was very hard. I had to go in the bathroom, get myself together and make myself stop crying.  When I finally pulled myself together and got the courage to just be “fine” and leave the locker room, a deputy started to talk to me. He was asking in general how Im doing lately (not about going to the lobby) I really could not speak. I have to give him an almost cold answer. He is a kind person and ask me that often (not in an annoying way) If I spoke to anyone I would have started to cry, and I had just pulled myself together. I apologized later in the day to, he understood.

It was real hard, but it was also doable and I managed. One of the car seat people who works for another department came and talked to me. That was hard . I saw some Juvenile probation people, again hard. I know it will pass, and the faster I face seeing and running into people the easier it will be in the long run. To sum it up, it is HARD, but I need to deal with it. If this where a month ago Im sure I would be a basket case. I was emotional this morning, even angry, and a little scared. But that is over and I guess Im ok. The shock of it is over. But I must say, that my body hurts from standing all morning.

Max your dad wants to go to dinner for my birthday. This will be hard, and I don’t want to really. But I guess like the lobby at work I just have to do it. . On a good note, I got a phone call and things are still ok with the 6. (you know what I mean)

Max I love you SO SO much. Today was very hard. But I managed. 30 more mins, until I can go home to see your daddy. I hope I can continue to keep it together today. But to be honest I feel ready to explode. Im not one emotion right now, just very on edge. Like I need to scream. Being able to write you has been a little help. Oh by the way you should be 4months today. It’s the 16^th.  I love you.

Im sure I will need to write to you more today.