Hey my little love. Today overall was a good day, there were hard moments but ok. I love your dad and everything he does for meYou dad and I were up early, went to the gym, but then despite or plan to do things around the house we did absolutely nothing and it was nice-until it was time to go to the Wings game. Today though we talked about you a lot.
Max we have been talking about if I should ever get pregnant again. Recently I have found out that a handful of people who are pregnant. Some are tough to hear but lately i have heard of a lot of mommys like me, and that truly makes me happy. It also gives me a little glimmer of hope. someday maybe I could have a sibling for you I told your daddy that I'm not going to name the baby, not going to find out the sex, it going to become attached at all. I figured I don't want to like that baby, don't want to grow attached and then the baby die. Like if I don't love it, then it won't hurt as much. But as we were laying in bed last night talking about you and all my fears, lack of hope and our future. Talking with your dad I decided that if i should be lucky to get pregnant, by fighting the natural urge to love another baby, is not fair to them. That possible baby, has done nothing wrong and deserves to be loved, deserves a name, and deserves everything I gave to you. If it should ever happen, I can't let me fears impact that child. We also decided that if that child should die, it may be so much harder if in the end the baby dies and I had no attachment. My guilt may then be even worse then it all ready Is. So we decided that if we get lucky , if it happens, I can't let my fear stop me from loving another baby the way I did you. I know I'm tainted, scared and aware of what can happen, but no matter what love is deserved. Right?
Max we had to go to the Philadelphia Wings game tonight. Your daddy made some comment to me and I told him I'm just not into the games anymore. I told him that they are not fun to me anymore. That life is not fun anymore. I told him that I still love the sport, and the Team, I'm just not happy with life. I told him that I hope that changes and that maybe someday down the line I will be happy with just being happy! But as the night went on I thought the team was going to lose as usual, well they ended up going into overtime and winning. I actually found myself cheering, smiling, standing up and high diving the guys in front of us. I found my self for a tiny moment having fun. There was excitement with the Wings winning. Last session they were so bad I don't remember when we actually had a win. But then just like that it was sucked out of me. It was there- the sadness. I the found my self feeling so guilty, sad, overwhelmed and just lost, of course in that moment, they had the cameras on fans, and they put a baby that is the same age you would be on the screen. I started to cry a little. I realize my life will never be the same, never ok. It I guess when I get small brief moments of almost normalcy I should take it. I need to learn not to feel so guilty also when it comes in. It's so hard Max.
I love you. It's time to go lay in bed now. I love you so much Max.
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