Hi my favorite boy. Today was emotional (seems like all days are) but it was ok. Not an overwhelming emotional. Who knew you could cry so much and be sad but it also be ok and feel alright. Reliving almost.
Well on the way home I called your nicu nurse because she told me she was not working and to call. we were talking about yesterday and how hard those car seats were, well she invited me over to her house (it's on the way home ) we had really good conversations about you, about missing our children about life, a bunch a things. I know how affected she is about the loss of her daughter Emma (I wonder if know her) she is also affected by your dying. She was there and was not scheduled to be working or in the OR that day. No one expected that ,me the most. It's so hard max. I cried a bunch tonight but it was good. Sometimes it's so nice being able to relate to a real person sitting right in front of me. I am so different now. I have such a hard time just being most days. Yes I do it, but inside I'm falling apart. It's nice having people who get it. Max baby there have been people I have met since you died and I really only know them because of that. I have met them through a support group and a support website. Even random people, like one of our detectives and someone else in the county and I guess I wish I did not know them. I'd rather not, i know them because everyone of them has to suffer this pain. But since I do I am so very grateful for people's kindness. Max baby I think I have met some of the strongest people ever. I don't understand why this ever had to happen to these people. Some of these people are a lot further out then I am, but the strength Max means a lot. The days are going to go on wether I want it to or not. Most days I have no faith really, nothing. Then I think of these amazing people and remind myself that I owe everything to you. As much as I don't feel ok, and feel so sad and lost, so empty. I know I have to fight for you. You lost your breath baby boy, but I have mine. I don't know why you had to go, I hate not knowing, I hate wondering what I have done that is SO bad that I can't keep you, I keep waiting to wake up and this all be a bad dream. I hate being angry and SO damn sad. I have completely lost control of my emotions. But I look at how strong others are and I admire that. .
Max in our conversation tonight, I told her that I have hand/feet molding kits to give to the hospital. Every mom and dad should have the ability to capture a babies perfect little fingers and toes. I then talked about giving some of your blankets and supply's. I still have the blanket they so kindly and gently wrapped you in. I sleep with it every night. It's in my pillow. They treated you like someone's son. That blanket makes me so so so sad, but I need it also. You were in that blanket. But I asked her to bring it for me because I can't go back to the maternity floor. I think if I am every able to have a sibling for you, I still can't go to the maternity floor. We then talked about things I can do for you. We talked about my passion for car seat safety and how I want to do a car seat donation. Someday down the line baby I may be back and will help as many baby's as I can. I will somehow, someday in memory of you.
Max baby your nurse does not read this only a handful do. I wish I was better sometimes and expressing my self. I wish I could just tell EVERYONE how grateful I am for there kindness and support. I hope that someday when I'm ok again, when I can function with out wanting to run away and cry in my car that I can share my love for you and give back the way I have been treated
I then get home and your dad and I actually cried together. Me a lot more then him! But he has been very sad, I think he's getting depressed. But he was talking about a friend of his whose wife just had twins. They used donated embryos because they struggled with fertility. BUT he was saying how it's not enough anymore to be happy your pregnant. People complain about it, want the baby out, then those that are so happy and enjoy it, well just like that it can all go away. He was not upset with his friend, they have experienced a lot of miscarriages. I think he was just Sad, and then knows if I ever get pregnant, being happy again could be taken away.
Max I'm so tired, emotionally tired. Drained really. But ok I wish I was better at expressing to people how grateful I am to there kindness. I wish right now I could pay that forward. I wish I was not such an emotional mess. But as you know by now i wish way to much. Since I can't have you back thank you for the people you have put in my life, maybe someday I will be stronger. Right now I'm just grateful. Grateful for envy thing grateful for life, grateful for hearing you cry and seeing you alive.
Now I'm going to try and end this day and sleep, maybe I'll wake up and it be a dream after all. I love you.
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