Max i was ok today, did not go to work and enjoyed being with your dad for an extra day, but just like that I'm an emotional mess. Max I miss you a bunch tonight. I miss you every day, but out of the blue I just feel lonely and lost. I'm tired, so very tired of everything. It's like i fight and fight, but get no where. Yes I guess somedays are much better then others, yes I have come a long way. But it's still there. I'm sad, angry, even depressed, lonely. I have lots of people in my life it I'm so lonely. You should be with me and my body hurts, it aches almost with out you. The day has been ok, it just comes in waves, and pulls me under, this longing for you.
A friend from Florida sent me a picture of a toad. That made me so happy. I miss you and who knew someone sending me a picture of a toad would make me smile in the thought of you.
I saw saw of baby's today,new borns. Will the hurt of not having you ever get easier. Will the wanting to just go to sleep , because my dream life is better then my waking life ever go away. Will the one minute I'm fine, the next I'm leaving you dying over and over again in my head.
Max you were moving on day' not wanting to come out of me. I'm induced because you wanted to stay in, they took you out, you were crying, I heard you! The most beautiful sound I ever heard. But just like that you were taken away, and the next time I saw you, you were lifeless. Dead. You suffocated, lost your air. All because you were in me to long. I lost everything I ever wanted-you, all because you did not want to come out. You were so perfect, beautiful, everything to me. I really miss you and this pain is like no other.
I want to live again, I want life to be normal, but it never will. EVERYTHING in my life reminds me of you, everything I do, brings you in my mind. You are my everything Max, I don't understand what this life is for with out you, I don't know if I ever will. I'm trying baby boy. I'm trying really hard. Because of you I have gotten over things I struggled for a long time with, I think I have become a better person, but at the same time a part of me died. I'm lost, scared, dead. When you died i died. It's hard I have not given up. I must live for you. By live I mean, function, go on, continue with daily things, life, I'm trying baby boy
I feel so alone, empty , sad.
I miss you Max baby.
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