Just sad......

Hi my little love. I can’t wait to go home. I just have this bitterness I guess now and I hate being here. I’m not sure how I should be acting. I like doing my job well, but now I feel like everyone is watching me. Right now I really regret leaving Devereux and changing careers. My problem is I just get bored and thought this was what I wanted to do. When in all reality I never should have gone to the Police Academy and should have just gone back for my Masters years ago. I know I should not live my life in regrets but there are lots of them and this is one. I am struggling with what im doing with my life and who I am now that I don’t have you. Everything I wanted to be was taken away. Max I was so ready and prepared for you. My day is not bad; I’m just not having a good day. I’m just really sad

At least the day is going fast because I have been training a deputy in the control room who makes me laugh with out even trying and working on all my yearly reviews for my squad I supervise.

I know that some things are getting better but at the same time, most things are still so hard. I know I have to take each day a day at a time. It’s all I can do. I wish I could control my emotions and not be ok one day and then so depressed the next. I hate this feeling of nothingness. I feel like I am handling things as well as I can, but I wish I could run away be gone for a while and come back and everything be better. I know I can’t go back, but believe me I wish I could.

Im afraid that I will get to a point where I’m better, but still so unhappy and in regret and dislike of my life. I feel like I will never be happy. I will never have you back and I have so much fear that I will never have a living baby. The question has been brought up a lot in regards to, who am I without ever being a mom to a living child. Well I am nothing.

I have a bad day/week then I get an emotional break and then it goes back down again. I am so tired.
The good news is its Friday and my headache right now is a lot better!