Day 148

Hi max baby. I was thinking maybe the baby makes me sad because my sister did to want her, she did not want anymore kids (don't get me wrong she wants her! Just did not plan for her) she got pregnant while on the IUD which the chances of that are close to having your tubes tied. She is 7mths older then you, but you two would have grown up together. You two would have been the baby's. I guess looking at her, watching her grow makes me sad and reminds me of what I'm missing. I can't hold that against her, it's not her fault. I love my nieces and nephew, I want to feel the same way about her. she is perfect and has done nothing wrong. I'm also her godmother! It's still hard and I need to be aware that she is amazing and really a miracle. I need to let my own issues go.

Anyway Max I'm off today and need to run to the store. I think I'm going to be ok today. I woke up motivated I guess. Also a little anxious that I have to go back to work tomorrow after the Friday event. But oh we'll. I have been awake for a while but have been watching the news. Just laying here thinking. I have been thinking a lot. Thinking about all kinds of things. I think I going to start taking the focalin again, and see if it helps. Maybe if I can organize my life better, I may be able to focus more in general on my self. I hate taking it, but maybe it will help. Also your dad can stop making fun of me about forgeting where and what I do with things.
I also am going to approach my boss and address some things with her. I understand they are concerned, but I need work to be work nothing else. It's a mental break and it's actually good for me. It's a place I can be challenged and have to be ok. I was given advice on approaching her and it's what I have to do.
Max it's cold today, the past couple mild days are gone. No long walk with Beanz today! It will be a gym day. I should get moving. I need to go to the store. I may even attempt the grocery store (in general I hate buying food!)
I love you. Thank you always.