Good morning baby boy. I did not go to work today, I just did not want to. I have a really bad migraine again! I'm tired of these increasingly worse headaches . I also had to go to the doctors and just decided that I'm taking a sick day. Other then pre-approved days off this is the first day I have called out since you died, I very rarely call out.
I had to go to the fertility doctor this morning, just so they can see if I'm anywhere near ovulation. I'm in the 23rd day of the cycle and still no sign of ovulation. It looks like its not going to happen this month. I guess it's true I don't ovulate regularly. I think I was secretly hoping being pregnant would have reset everything. It looks like if it's true then are only choice will be the embryo transfer with or last 3 embryos. But you dad wants to wait 6 months ( now almost 5) that's a long time. It just makes me sad. I'm healthy now, I no longer binge and puke, I eat ok, I'm at a healthy normal weight, I take vitamins, why can't my body be normal. I just don't understand.
Well in my way home from the appointment I got pulled over. I was going fast I deserved it. But the officer saw my FOP tag and asked where I worked and what I do. I told him. He looked at my license and the told me to watch the roads and drive safe. As much as I appreciate the break and not getting a ticket, I feel as though I deserve the ticket. Just because I work in law enforcement, that does not excuse me from not following the rules like everyone else. I'm not above the law. I would like to think I was to given the ticket because I was polite and respectful, not because I'm a corporal in another agency. I wonder what would happen if I did not have that emblem in my license plate, or if I did not have a gold badge. The thing with me though Max is I take it seriously, for a while I will watch my speed and be more aware, but Sadly it won't last. I wish I could say I'm forever changed, but I will eventually go back to driving faster then I should. I cant pretend that i will always drive the speed limit. But for now that warning has been taken seriously. However I do know if you were in the car, in the back seat, in your car seat I would drive slow. I know I would!
Max I had a lot of weird dreams last night, nothing with you really, just strange ones. I'm glad I'm home today. I wish I did not have To go to work , I wish I could just stay home all day. If I could I would do my best to be domestic and take care of the house. I wish I could just work part time, take care of your daddy and lots of babies (I wish it were you) . Ha ha maybe someday Max we will win the lottery, and the I could stay home and adopt babies ( I guess I would have to play).
Maybe what I should stop doing is live in day dreams and face reality. Face that I have this life that's not what I wanted it to be (the dog is dreaming and whimpering in his sleep, I often wonder what he dreams about.) my life is so different then I ever imagined. Most of the time I hate it, but then I remember that even though you died, I'm still so lucky. I have a great husband, good family, a wonderful dog, a house , we both have jobs, and we are healthy in general. I need to stop being sad with it all and appreciate what I have, it's just somedays it's s hard without you. And I live in a dream world I guess.
Well I should take advantage of being home and do some house work while your daddy sleeps, so that when he gets up, we can hang out together. He gets up around noon because he works overnight. I love you Max, I wonder if he ever sees you in his sleep.
Love you my little love.
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