Time sucks, it does not heal all wounds, it just changes them, they scab over, but they are still there and they still hurt. Every now and then the scab gets bumped and rips off. Then it's got to scab up again. Time is not a healer, it's a buffer and things get different.
I'm learning how to live a life that I thought I was good at living. Now I'm figuring how to survive.
Max today is 156 days going into the 22nd week and today Max is 5 months since you were born and died. It's been a long hard five months. Five months ago I could never imagine living this long with out you. It really kind of sucks. My life is so different. I wish I could go back to being as happy as I was when you were growing in me. When life was so wonderful. Now it's like I'm learning how to live all over again.
Today I have to go to the Obgyn and have the yearly exam. I wish I could avoid it and not go. I really don't want to go into that office. Everyone there has been so wonderful to me, but I don't want to go. I don't want to walk I those doors. 4 it of 5 of my miscarriages happened with them and then the death of you. It's like they are poison(not really, there so nice)I just wish I did not have to go. One the exam sucks and two being the is such a big reminder of you. Not a good one.
Right after that appointment we have to go to RSI for the review of the frozen embryos and why they think the transfer did not work. The thing is if they can tell me why it did not work then why could they not make it work. I know there was a possibility of it not taking, and maybe it's even for the better. But it's still really hard. It was like i needed something to look forward to, something to give me hope, and that died also.
I'm going to try Max baby to have a good day. I owe that to you. Right now I'm waiting at the Car Sense to get my car inspected and my oil changed. I had a hard time sleeping and I woke up real early. I just miss you.
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