Max I love you. Your always on my mind baby boy. Today went by real fast again. I like when work is busy and I have lots to do. It makes for less time doing my own thinking. It keeps my mind actively focused on things in the moment. The hard part is when it's over and I have to to stop and am left with my own thoughts again. The it hits me and bamm I'm full of emotions, at least I have a break when work is busy.
I ate so poorly today. For someone who is trying to be healthy, today was all wrong. Junior mints, and hot chips do not count as healthy or meals. So to even it out I made brown rice and broccoli. Someone at work had junior mints and shared, then I came home and Shane had some left over hot chips. But at lest I ate something healthy for dinner!
Max I know I have talked before about a guy at work that gets made fun of a lot and picked on. I adore him, he always gets me coffee, never complains about anything, will do what ever you ask and loves his job. He tries really hard and just has a bad wrap with some people for silly things he does and past mistakes , when all he needs is respect and he is great. Well I walk the court house steps everyday 9 stories total ( including the basement and top mechanic/boiler room floor) well we were talking the other day and he does the steps also because he is trying to get healthy. Well I have company now, we do it together after the lunch hour. He cracks me up. I try to get him to hang out with Shane, because he is a great person and just needs People to treat him like a human being. When ever your having a bad day, he is one to make you smile. His kindness towards others even though is not always treated with the same back is inspiring.
Max a friend pitched an idea to me tonight and I'm excited about it. It's a good one and I hope it would make you and her mom proud. It's a project we are going to work on together. It has a lot of potential.
Max my day is ok. Your on my mind a lot . Sometimes I feel guilty for having productive better days. But I need to remember that it's ok. Also am trying to work on, that I can have days where I ink about you so much and that's also ok. I can have you on my mind and that fuel good things. I Need to be better at living my life for you. It just gets so hard with all my emotions, of sadness, guilt, anger, jealously, the guilt of wanting to live, the guilt of everything really. The guilt and sadness seem to take over and get in the way of trying to be positive for you. But I try, your worth it. I'm back to considering going to a therapist. I'm stubborn and do things on my own but I know my self and I'm aware of when I need help. I've been considering it. I'm so sad from the very core of me, Even on my better days.
Speaking of guilt. I'm all ready so anxious and guilty for this weekend coming. Your dad and I have been going to the Philadelphia Wings games for years and this will be our 3rd year as season ticket holders. I was so excited to bring you, for it to become part of your life. Your middle name is even after a favorite player of mine. ( the good news is he was traded, which is good because I know hearing it would have made me very sad every game, every time he scored. His name was always said a lot ) your middle name was special to your dad and I. The way they would say it at the games was so fun, and to have to hear that right now would be torture. Maybe in the future it will make me smile but not know. Your first name MAX makes me happy when ever or where I hear it. It's written on our vacuum and I was so happy I saw it. Your dad got socks for Christmas and there was a tag, that said some thing about keeping your feet dry, but it said MAX I saw the tag randomly, again it made me smile. But hearing Athan in the way they announce it at the games at a place you should be building memories with us, makes me cringe. It should be such a happy time. I don't want to go but I have to for your dad and I have to get it over with.
I feel guilty that we are still going ( your dad says we have to and that we can't hide from the world) and then I am so anxious because the people who sit I front of us, are also season ticket holders and they new I was pregnant with you, when the season was over last year I was 5 months pregnant, so it was obvious and they were excited that you were a boy and going to meet you. Anxiety and guilt together is not a good combination.
I have off tomorrow, but I have to get my car inspected. I have been getting up at 445 because of having to open, so it's going to seem so nice sleeping in.
I love you baby boy. I hope you would think I was a good mom to you. I hope I would have been a wonderful mom to you.
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