Hi baby. I'm really agitated right now even though overall I had a decent day so far with your daddy. I took the day off from work so that I can get my car inspected, oil change and ground the wires better for the radio. I had an appointment and then your dad and I drove around and ran errands. Basically we spent the day together. BUT when we go to see if the car is done they never even did the inspection, or oil change. They never even moved my car out of the spot. Four hours later when we show up, they tell me that the car needs to go to the dealer for the radio. THey still could have done the inspection and oil change. Oh well at least I had a good day with your dad. (but I still need the oil change!)
Also last night I barley slept. I had a lot on my mind. I feel awful and slight angry. I wish my mom would get it and I could stop trying to explain my self. She sent me and email in the beginning of the week, and I truly forgot to write back. I had meant to and was trying to find the right words with out offending her. Where as last night, I'm sure idid offend her. If you look at them they are not bad, but Max if you knew how she was, you would no she is hovering and trying to fix me.
First email
Hi Suzanne,
I hope things are going well for you and Shane. I just wanted to write you,to tell you I love you..
I really miss spending time with you and Shane.
If your up to it would you like to go out to dinner Friday night or lunch on Sunday.
I'm sorry I missed you on Sunday, I was hoping to see you. I came over around 2:00.
Well I hope that I hear back from you about getting together next weekend.
I love you, Love Mommy
Second email
Hi Suzanne,
I was just wondering if you recieved my email?? I have not heard back from you...
Please stop ignoring me!!!!!
I Love
My response.
I'm not ignoring you, I've been busy. I can't this weekend we have plans. Stop thinking that I am . If I wanted attention I would seek it. Stop trying. I don't need our want anything. Even though your intentions are good,its frustrating.
I'm going to bed I've had a migraine for a week, and Its my month to open. I'm all ready up way to late.
I promise if I needed something I would ask, we can't this weekend and I don't know if I won't to because of all the pity looks, I miss yous and lets talks. I need people to let me be and act normal and stop trying. It's my life and You know how I am. I promise I am fine, stop trying. As much as I appreciate and love you it's not helping.
Dont take this in anger or rejection. Which I'm sure you will because thats who you are. (sensitive) and thats not a bad thing. I was not ignoring you, I forgot to write back. My month to open I go in early and go to bed early. Sorry. I love you to.
You don't need to respond to this please.
I love you
I'm sure she is going to take it offensively because thats how she is. But I don't know how many times I have to tell her I don't want to hang out. I don't want her pity. Max I'm struggling hard with the death of you. But you are ours not hers. Why she bugs me so much I don't know. I love her but we are not overly close, and she wants me to be. She wants to be all buddy and emotional. Why do I have to. Why can't I do things my own way. I hate it all. I hate that I have to tell people to leave me alone. From some the support is get from others it drives me nuts. I don't know what makes some different from others, but there is. From some it's very helpful and important, from her it is not. Maybe because she is pushing me and gives me such dumb looks. I know she needs to help, but I don't want it from her. I want things to just be normal. I hate that during this all I still have to protect her feelings, and take care of other people emotionally. Now I feel so bad, for m response. I know I hurt her. I don't want to hurt her but there is no way of me telling her anything with out her being hurt. I don't need my mom. I need you. I feel really bad. I don't know how to make anything right again. Nothing will ever go back to the way it was before you we born and died. Nothing will ever be normal as much as I want it to. I don't know how to fix this one.
Max overall I had a good day with your dad. I'm missing you as always. Talking to you helped my agitation.
No comments:
Post a Comment