Car seat appointments and flood of emotions.

Hi baby, the day was going OK and then all of a sudden I was hit with that question. "Didnt you have a baby? A boy right!"

I have a long day today...really long. Tonight I am installing car seats for the first time since before you were born. Ironically the first appointment we had tonight was the last appointment I had before I went out on maternity leave. It was actually in the beginning of August. The month you were born and died. I was over due when I installed there rear facing convert able seat. I saw them and my heart dropped. I remember having conversations with the mother about being overdue and you being a boy. I tried avoiding looking at her tonight. I tried just getting the car seat done and walking away. but I was sitting in her car doing paperwork and she came up to me and said "arnt you the officer that helped over the summer. You had a boy right? " she then started to ask about you. I stopped her said yes, then looked at her a said but he died. Here I go again having to comfort a stranger to the shock that I have to deal with everyday of my life. I am a mess right now. I have a few minutes between now and the next appointment. This lady was very nice, she said her sorrys and asked what happened, and where you were born. I told her your story, how you came out perfect, how I heard you, and then how you went down hill. When I first said you died the tears built up, but i was sitting in a dark car, while wearing my glasses. She was very patient and wanted to hear about you.

( home now)

The next appointment was less emotional but at that point I was all ready at the end of my emotional limit. The baby was older and I never met the couple before. The baby actually really liked me which I found strange, because I am far from my normal happy self. BUT the good thing about the little girl was it moved me away from the adults.

When it was all over I went to my car and had a break down. It's been a long day Max baby. From 630am to 7pm. Yesterday was hard, but I expected that. Today was a lot harder then I thought it would be. And it all came on just like that, a flood of emotions.

I'm glad the day is done. Tomorrow must be better.well at least there is no month marks, doctors appointments or car seat checks. So all I have to worry about is the random unexpected events.

I love you SO SO much and life now is a continued struggle. But baby boy your worth it all,you keep me fighting.