Realization

Hi baby. So far we have not done much at all today. We went to the gym and then to the store to get something for dinner. Other then dinner I have eaten nothing but sugar Basically. We did play a lot outside with Beanz though.

Max I have been thinking about you a lot today. Random moments make me really miss you. I saw a lot of things with toads around today. That made me happy.

So Max I was writing an email to My mommy friend in Germany. And as I was writing I processed something that maybe I did not realize. I told her that when I was with the hairdresser she was so very honest and I loved and appreciated that. She said that Liam would have been 4 in October. She told me that people say time is a healer, but that's not true. Time was not making things better. She still really missed him, and longs for him, thinks about him all the time. Max you would think that would make me sad, that things might not get better. But actually it was the opposite. I realized that I'm so scared of moving forward, that moving forward would be moving on, would be forgetting you. Well it gave me comfort because she said that things change and you get better at living, but the longing and loving does not go away. The hairdresser has 2 other sons that were born after Liam died. She told me (like me) she felt like she needed to get pregnant, but in no way was it to replace her first baby. She just needed to . ( I often think people won't understand that, or will be judging me) but even with the the 2 siblings, it did not change her love for her oldest. It made me feel better even though she said time does not help, I was so scared
Max that as time goes by I would forget somehow, or you would be a distant memory. Four years later her son is still so alive to her, misses him just as much, but has learned how to function productively.
Max when I was writing to Julius mommy I realized that. I love writing because the process always helps me figure things out. I know I need to live my life, but it's so so hard. I was so scared that in time I would forget you, let you go. But I know that's not true. I want to be ok I want to live, and function, but I don't ever want to love you less as time goes by. I think I was scared of that. That somehow as time goes by your less important, or a faded memory. Max I have no idea ow to do this. How to live. Everything aches , I feel like you should be with me in my arms, watching you grow. Time is not going to "heal" this. That's good, because I don't need healing. I know you can't be in my life the way I want you to, but you are my life and you will always be in it. I will learn to function and live again BUT I will always miss you and in four years I will still be crying for you and that's ok!!!!