Thoughts.....

Hi my little love. Today was ok actually and my head feels ok right now. The headache was slightly better over all.

I was in the lobby today, so I had to be very social and I think I did a good job at acting like I loved being there.

Max I'm a little worried because i watched the show hoarders yesterday and there was a family that was so dysfunctional because of the loss of there baby when he was four months old. All because they did not deal with the death properly. What if I'm not dealing properly Max baby ?(don't worry though, no hoarding) Then the was another show about a person who is having all kinds of problems for the same reason. The loss of there child. Max I don't want you to be the reason why years down the road I can't function. Your worth more then that. I don't know how to deal, am I dealing. I know there are things I'm doing that most likely are not the healthiest, but I'm doing the best I can right now and I'm trying really hard. So maybe I'm it good at leaving my house other then work or when I'm with Your daddy. Being around people that know me is hard. Being social is hard. Lots of things have never been harder, but the there are other things that are so much better(even though it's still a struggle everyday). I know I could easily slip into old unhealthy coping behaviors, and I'm sure I have some of them. I just don't know if I'm ok. I think I'm going in circles now. I hope you know what I mean. I don't want to move on and let you go, but I don't want you to be the reason I am a complete mess either. So again I consider therapy. But with that even time you go it's worse then a first date. I know it will be a long process, deciding wether to call or not, again I think I'm going in circles.

Max I have always made the best of situations, and always tried to be positive and happy for others. Always optimistic BUT realities tic. Always kept my feelings tucked away on the inside, were they bother no one but me. This is hard Max, missing you is the hardest thing I have ever been through. Someone once asked me how I got through some things in my life ( not knowing that I push pushed everything inside, and used food and running as my way out) but in comparison all those things seem so tolerable compared to you dying. If I was given the option to have you back it to go through those things again. I would chose to have you back.

Today was ok. Seemed normal almost. There was a new employee talking about his five month old, that was hard to listen to. But on my way home I got to see the sunset and you were there. I know your in all things beautiful in this world.