Good morning my love. I woke up ok, I hope it stays that way. It is so nice out side. I'm writing to you outside while Beanz plays. It would be a really cold summer day, but it sure is a perfect winter day. I hope the headache stays away, yesterday it was a little better. I just ate a piece of chocolate which was dumb because it is a headache trigger food, and it is just bad for me, but it sure was good.
Max when I first came outside I noticed there was an ambulance across the street at the old ladies house. They took her to the hospital. I hope she is ok. I really like her, and she is the only one who know you died with out having to ask. I know she is in her 90's but she seems so heathy. I sure hope she is ok.
Last night was really hard but being with your dad it got better. I was having a hard day and then on the way to the mall I had a melt down, hysterically crying because I really miss you and I will never get you back. I really feel like my life has no meaning. Then I was crying about my fears of never having a living sibling for you. He asked me that same question I talked about earlier in the day yesterday. Who am I if I can't have kids,I starting hysterically crying again. I know the answer and I can't fathom life like that. I told him that I lost all happiness and most days have no hope. He then brought up maybe medication, because he thinks it will help with the constant feeling of despair I have. I said no, and told him its only been four months, if maybe in a year then yes. I told him maybe i would consider something for anxiety in a couple months if that does not get better.Your dad takes medication for chronic depression, he has for years, it's just part of him and he needs it. He knows it and it helps him. Where as I am stubborn and like to do things on my own first even though Im not against the idea. I have and will consider it just not know. I over all even with the really low periods think I'm doing well. I also told him that I want to try naturally to have a sibling for you and that I will not take anything that will hinder that in any way. I don't take any ibreprofrin products anymore because I saw a news study that it can lead to infertility. And Max running cross country all my life and playing lacrosse, and chronic headaches I lived off huge bottles. I only take vitamins and something the fertility placed prescribed. Rarely take anything for a headache, i will wait them out as long as i can. (sorry i could not the other night) I hardly take the ADD pill now even though I have done lots of research and know it does not stay in my system. As soon as it wears off its over, so if I were to get pregnant it would not effect anything. It just all scares me. I am trying to cut out all processed food, soda, and chemicals. Maybe all the miscarriages before I was just so unhealthy. I don't throw up anymore, i don't binge eat and eat FAR less surgery candy that i love so much and I think that all may have had an impact on my Heath, that may have lead to some of the miscarriages. My cycles were so irregular and your dad says it may have contributed to vitamin deficiencies . But max with you I was so healthy! I wish I knew what would cause my placenta to be so small ( I did not have any of the contributing factors)
So I'm all ready healthier and I want to stay that way.
So for Christmas your dad had bought me two pairs of earrings with your birthstone. The one tiny pair I loved and the one fell out of me ear, the other pair he didn't like in my ears (me either) they were pretty just to big. So we went to the mall to replace the one pair and rebought the old pair. They did not have them, but they had ones that looked just like them but they were ear piercing earrings. They just have points, that was ok with me they looked the same. Well there was a sale, when he bought the two before, so when you come back you have 25 dollars towards anything in the store, I knew I did not want more earrings, because I don't wear much jewelry at all. I only ever wore the studs in my ears and my wedding rings. I did not want a necklace because what's on my neck now is all you( your ashes, your max/toad, and your forget-me-not flower. So I saw a ring with your birthstone in a heart. It's perfect. I have lots of rings I never wear (the not wearing jewelry thing) but it was perfect! I have your color in my ears, around my neck and now on my hand. It really is perfect AND with store credit and those bonus dollars it was only $4.21. Your dad told me I could probably take it to any jewelry place and get it engraved, because I told him I want your name and birthdate on it.
It made me feel better. We then went home and were both asleep by 10!
Max I got asked about heaven yesterday by my friend who is missing her mom as much as I'm missing you. Heaven is something i think about all the time. I need to believe your somewhere I wish there was I way I could no for sure. Maybe it's all just a fairy tale. But at the same time we are told fairy tales for reason.we all need something to believe in. I struggle with where you are everyday. I guess I will never know till I die and I need to make sure that I get to see you/hold you just one more time.
I know I'm writing a lot today. I just miss you and its s nice outside for a January day. I could talk to you non stop. Soon I have to go in and start the battle of waking your dad up. But in his defense he did take the dog out at 5am and then stayed down stairs do I could sleep till 8. I love him.
Max I want to be productive today. I need to do things around the house. I may even try to run today, the weather is so perfect (still cold, but perfect for winter)
I'm sure I will talk to you more today. Max if you really are in a place called heaven can you let my friends mom know that she really misses her. Because if there really is a heaven I know she kept her promise and is with you, that's just the kind of person she was.
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