151 days have gone by

Hi baby boy, I'm sorry I have only been writing once lately. I don't know if that is good or bad. Does it mean I'm doing better, that I'm moving on.... I don't want to move on. Because then I feel like I'm abandoning you. I guess actually I just got real busy at work. The good thing about that is it makes the day go by faster. Max I really am getting better at managing and drifting through. BUT with that I'm getting sadder internally. It was like in the beginning I could not help the emotions pouring out of me, where as know I'm learning how to keep it neatly contained. It's good on some levels, but at the same time I'm sure the internalization is not the best. It has me going to old coping skills. But I guess it works. Either way I'm struggling with the growing sadness and empty feeling.

Today I was thinking a to about you in the since that I should have known there was a problem. How when I had that pain and went to the hospital, they said you were fine (you were) but that ultrasound I had the next day, they should have been able to see how small the placenta was. It's driving me insane thinking about it. That tech did such a intense job she looked at everything, it was a better scan then the 20 week anatomy one. Max I was 35/36 weeks the doctor that read the results should have seen it. Well when I got home from work your dad told me he has been sad also. It ended up that we were both thinking about that ultrasound. He told me he would support me if I decide to request the report, but to be prepared that it could come back' that they should have seen it. Max I just want to know. I don't know why, because I know it won't change anything, it won't bring you back, I know my doctor went with what he was told. Maybe because I have been missing you, is why I'm going back to it. It's just that everything in me (and I think your dad) thinks that the radiologist that went over the scan missed the size of the placenta. Max if only you were born a week earlier. To many dam if only's

Max I love you. I. Going to go lie in my bed, with your bear.