Hi baby boy. I had a sort of hard day, but it's ok. I did my normal morning routine, but on my way into work when it was to late to turn around. I realized that I did not put on my necklaces on, after the shower. I left you home, I was so upset, I started to cry. How could I forget you. How could I forget the one that carries your ashes. I felt like such an awful mommy to you. What kind of mom would I be if I can't remember to put your necklace on. Tis has been the first time I forgot and it won't ever happen again. All day I felt off, wrong and naked with you. As soon as I got home I put them on.
The neat thing is after I was home, Beanz and I went to Wawa and as soon as I went outside I smelled that clay smell. It has to be from you. Until I find out what's causing this completely out of place smell, I will be convinced that it is you. It's the sweetest smell, that reminds me of baby lotion. I don't get it very often but when I do it's the best surprise.
Max baby I still have a headache but it's ok, not to bad. It's tolerable.
I'm missing you a bunch. Today was ok, but Sadly I feel like the sadness is creeping back in. I think it's that dreaded time of the month, that never helps with the emotions.
Oh I scheduled a hair cut. I'm actually really nervous about it. It's just a hair cut right! Well the last time I got my hair cut I was about 2months pregnant with you. I feel like I should not be cutting my hair. I was hoping that with you being alive, then breastfeeding you, that my hair would grow even faster. I was going to cut it when I went back to work, I was going to cut it short so I could donate it locks of love. That was my plan and it never worked out. I also am very attached to my hair. I can hide behind it, play with it when I'm nervous, also there is my nervous habit of being able to reach behind my back and touch it. Either way Friday I am going to get it cut. Probably just a trim, but still scared. Plus I was given the name of this lady, from a friend. This lady had a son that died also Max. I hate that I learn more and more of people who have to suffer through this pain. This nightmare. There are so many people I this world with out there baby's. It's not fair. But I guess that's life-not fair.
I just received an email from a friend, one of the people who were pregnant at the same time as me. Her son is just a little bit older then you. It makes me so sad (not for or at them) just sad from being reminded of where you should be now. How much we are missing. But she sent me an email. It was real nice. It made me sad, and cry but not in a bad way. She talked how we were pregnant together and talked about the pregnancies, she told me she thinks about you all the time. We even used you name. It was nice.
Max baby if I could I would take sleeping pills all the time everyday. It makes getting through the night easier. I'm so emotionally tired and worn out from opening all month. But at the same time Im wired and my brain does not shut off. I miss you so much.
164 days 23 weeks I have managed to live with out you.
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