Love you. Day 90

Good morning. Baby boy im feeling ok so far today. But it is just 7am. I would really hope that im not at the end of my ropes at 7am. Today is going to be really slow though at work. Last week was crazy busy, we only have a fraction of the amount of inmates today that we did last week. I hope things go fast. Im here early but I think im going to be here all day. I should really get used to a normal in and out time. Or else when ever Im back to a normal its going to be a rude awaking. Even though your daddy tells me all the time flooding my work best. Just flood myself with everything Im scared of.
Max I really did not want to get out of bed today. I really wanted to call out and stay home. I have no time though, I can’t just call out. This week is a full week so it is going to seem so long, coming of a 3 day week last week. Next week will be short again.
Max tomorrow will be the day they took my eggs out of me and started to fertilize them. Saturday will be the day they put you in me. It’s really kind of neat that I know the exact time you were conceived. Not everyone can say that. It is really fascinating how they could take my egg and your daddy’s sperm and create you. You were this tiny micro blastasyst that turned into a 6lb14oz baby. Science is so fascinating but yet not good enough where they could not keep you alive or notice that you were not getting what you needed. So amazing and inadequate all at the same time. Oh well. Nothing is flawless.

Max I had weird dreams again. I was at a consignment sale. The same kind were I got a lot of things for you. But I went to this sale for you, but when I got there I remembered that you were dead and that I can’t get anything for you. So I was sent outside and there where these dark dead trees. There where these stacks of shoes that turned. They were all like ballet type shoes. I had to find a pair. I don’t know why but I did. The small sizes had matching pairs but any size near mine had no matching pairs. If they looked like they did. They were to lefts or two rights. Max I was so stressed because I was told that I have to have a matching pair. Then there was this big tree, it was not dead. The only one that was alive. At first I thought there was a big toad in it (the one like your bank) I turned to the person that was there, when I turned back around to see the toad it was a turtle and I was so upset. It was like a cruel joke and the person that was in the dream, knew about it (I don’t know who the person was) the dream made me upset. I was not allowed in the consignment area for you, then I was sent to the dark woods and had to find a pair of shoes. Max I looked at looked but nothing would match. It was dark, and I wanted to get out of it, so that I could go somewhere brighter so I could see you.

Max I really need to pay some bills today. Before they go to collection or get bigger. I just forget, it’s the least of my things to do. It seems like each day the only thing I need to do is to get through the day.

Max I love you. I love you more then I can ever begin to express. I hope you’re having a good day up in heaven today.

Seem to be having an extra hard time. Goodnight love

Hi love. I feel asleep for a long time earlier. Your dad and I both did. He did because he is working tonight. I did because I needed to. sometimes baby its better if I just go to sleep. But Max normally I don't take naps, I just go to bed super early. (with the help of melatonin and benadryl) Well this nap today I was  sound asleep. Had no weird dreams. Nothing.
Max I ate nothing good for me this weekend. I really think I gained 10 pounds. Which does not help my mood but Im just strangely so very hungry.
Max im sorry I have not written much to you today. Im just not doing so well, and its the kind of day where thinking/typing to you really hurts.
Your dad and i were watching tv and I told him that you should be here. Your dad was laying on me so I could play with his hair. The dog was next to me and the cats where at the other end of the couch. I told him that you should have been laying on top of your daddy. That this is not how things should be. I need to watch what I say. I think it really upsets your dad. I can handle it. Yes I had that breakdown last night. But Im able to contain it for the most part. able to keep it in. Better then he would be able to. I feel the need to protect your daddy. Also not thinking when we where watching TV there was a very pregnant lady on "house hunters" out loud I said she will probably keep her baby, hers wont die.
Also I made the mistake of signing into facebook tonight and right there when I signed in there was a picture of someone I know who just had a baby. literally today. Those new little babys just make me so sad. Happy-but sad.
Last night when your dad was trying to make me feel better. I told him I dont understand why you had to die. Your dad asked me what I mean, I told him that I understand logically what happened to you. I just dont understand WHY it had to happened to you and to us. WHY I did not get to keep you. I know im not a great person. I have done a lot of bad things. I am not a nice person all the time. Im definitely no saint. But Max I dont understand what I have done SO bad to not deserve you. I know im not the best person, but I never that I was a horrible person either. Did I not deserve you. There are a lot worse people out there, who get to have all the babys they want (some dont even want them) Of course I dont want babies to die, but WHY did mine have to. WHY you. Its not fair that not only did you die, but you died after you where here. Maybe if you were another early miscarriage it would be ok. I can handle that. Miscarriages are hard, but I can deal with them. You not being here, is something Im having a hard time dealing with. Why did I get to experience everything great about you just for it to be taken away. That being said Im glad I did. Im so grateful for everything I got to experience with you, but it just makes missing you so much worse.
There was a show on today with a baby being pulled in a wagon by two peole that just got married. Well stupid me started crying. We wont ever see you meet some one or get married. Every thing that you were meant to have, you wont. All the stupid firsts. I hate seeing babys that should be your age, and hearing about there developments and all the great things there about there accomplishments.

Max Im having an extra hard time. I REALLY hate being this way. Im not a miserable person baby. I hate what I have become. But I miss you so much. Something is missing.
Max im going to go to bed early. I dont need to tell you how much I love you, I hope you know. But I will always tell you. I LOVE YOU Max.

Day 89 completely drained.

Max "hi" little boy. I am so tired and emotionally tired. Max our friends left. We all went out to breakfast this morning. It was good. nothing was wrong with it, but at the same time I feel like nothing is ever good anymore. Max the visit was good, there is no complaining with that. Im just very emotionally drained.
Max last night was so hard for me. I dont know what happened. Today im tired so very tired. Max I really miss you. My eyes hurt, my brain hurts, my heart hurts.
Last night when your daddy and I talked I told him how I cant have you dying being the last baby. I told him that I cant share you with another dead baby. I told him that the only thing that gives me hope is the idea of giving you a sibling. I told him that im so scared its going to happen again. I told your daddy that if our next baby dies that he dies early. Max I got so attached to you. I loved you so much. Your daddy said maybe I need to wait even longer then our plan. Max I told him no. I told him that I dont think its going to work. Im going to be 31 yrs next month. The longer I wait, the older I get. Max I told your daddy about how when I was a kid, I always said I never wanted kids. Even though Max baby I did. I always wanted them. Why did I say to others that I was not having any. Your dad asked me if my life is going to have no meaning if I dont. I said I dont, know. But I think its a yes.
I dont think he can understand how empty I am with out you. How different I am, how much I hate just being here. Dont get me wrong baby, I like being a live, but I seem to hate living all at the same time.
I feel disabled and like im learning to walk again. Its so hard pretending that everything is ok. Being so upset is also draining.
Max before you died i was not this way. You would have not been around a sad mommy. I am normally a happy person. I have energy and I love life.

Max this would have been a great weekend, but you should have been here. I underestimated how emotional I am and how sad i really am. Max baby last night was awful and I lost it. One of my biggest breakdowns yet. It was so unexpected for me as well. Its weird because I know im sad, but its like even I did not know how sad and broken I am.

Im so sorry I am this way baby boy. I love you so much.
I ate so much this weekend. I think I put on 10 pounds of the weight I have lost. Im drained so I cant work out yet. Max baby I think im going to take a nap. Missing you sure makes me tired.

Max baby I really hope your happy. I wonder what its like for a baby on the inside of a belly. Do you feel the same connection to me as I did to you.

I asked you dad last night if your losing oxygen, and basically suffocating hurt. If you could feel it. Your daddy told me that it would have been like passing out. Max I pass out a lot, I hope thats all it was for you. I have been wondering a lot lately if you were in pain. I hope you just closed your eyes and went to heaven.Max baby my friend said to me today that she is sorry that you are not here. (something like that) well baby so am I. Its not a sorry though, its more of a pain/hurt that I cant describe.

Im going to lay with your daddy. I love you baby boy.

A huge break down

Max Im having a really hard time tonight. I was really doing ok, so far this weekend. Better then I anticipated. Maybe thats why I had a breakdown tonight. One of my biggest in a while actually. In the beginning I had lots of crying fits and then here and there. Im good at keeping it within myself most of the time. Just between you and I. I hate how I think im doing ok. I think im handling everything just fine, but then the sadness grows. Max it takes so much energy to pretend like im ok. To act fine. Max im not fine. I decided to go to bed at 11. I did not mean to seem rude, but I just needed to grab your bear and go upstairs. It was when I got up the stairs that I started to fall apart. I dont know what triggered it. I just held your Max bear with your ashes. Just layed there. Your dad came up and told me everyone else was going to bed, and the other friend left. He asked if I was ok. I said yes. He asked if I was mad at him. I said No. He then asked whats wrong, I told him I was sorry for being this way. I told him I was sad. Then it started. The breakdown. Max baby I cried so hard tonight. To the point of sobbing, not being able to breath, and feeling so dizzy. I hate getting like this. Max I was crying so hard for you, I was afraid my guest would hear my from downstairs. Max I tried explaining to your daddy that I know he is sad and angry, so am I . I dont want to take that away from him, but that I feel so empty that he will never understand. Max a piece of me is missing, I feel so empty and I will never fill whole again. You are missing from me. Your dad and I talked a lot. Well I guess I talked alot and your dad so wonderfully listened. Max your daddy said I cant keep everyting to myself, but Max its the only thing I can do. I hate pushing this on other people, I hate being out of control. I hate, hate , hate feeling this way. Max I feel like I cant breath with out you, know one will every understand, i will never be right again. Or so it seems.
Max I miss you so much.
Max I am so empty.
This was such an emotional breakdown tonight. I cried so much I clogged my nose all up. Max baby I need to go to sleep now.
Max the weekend has not been bad. Its been good actaully. But something triggerd in my tonight that I could not stop crying. Max it was a sobbing, shaking type cry. I dont think it made me feel better, just more tired.
Max its 12:04am now. Talking to your daddy did help me, but I would not be able to shut my mind off untill I talked to you. Its crazy how much I NEED you. Even though your not here, I just need you.
Max I love you, I will tell you about me and your daddys conversation.
I miss you more then I can ever express in words.

Ready for bed. I love you

Hey love, im feeling sad. Tired and sad. I feel slightly bad, but not overly, because im laying on the couch. But luckily with these people its ok. Now that the other friend is here the two can catch up, so it works well. I can sit on the couch  and type away. Beanz is super tired and curled up next to me. Max I feel bad because the one friend made food and brought it with her. But me and my pickiness everything she brought I wont eat. Max I dont eat homemade soup, I dont eat quiche because I got sick once off it. And I dont eat left over pizza. Most people would probably not believe it, but your dad was here to say its true. There are a lot of things that I prefer boxed then homemade. Even though I would eat things from them. The other friend is making cookies in my kitchen, they smell really good though. Max Im strange. I think its worse when im more emotional.
I hate how I get so emotional and drained. Max in general Im not one for much stimulation, but lately im so ok with hiding away. Max do you know that I did not take a shower today. Max Im happy that they are catching up. I feel less like I need to be the entertainment or whatever.
Max I hate how I feel. I miss you so much. Sometimes it so much harder. I feel unnatural. Like I should not be here, I should not be ok with company. I am miserable but i am ok with it. Max I never seem to make any sense . Im so contradicting with everything. I hate how everything seems so wrong even though I want things to be normal. The thing I am realizing though is that I will never be normal again. Even though thats all I want. It will never happen.
Max I hate being miserable. I want to be happy, but I have moments of being ok. So those moments keep me going. You though baby boy keep me motivated. Even though somedays I dont know how.

Max we are going to watch a movie soon, but im so tired. I really did not sleep much. I think I am ready for bed.
I love you baby boy. Thanks for being my little love. Soon I will go to bed and hopeful I will dream of you. (even though that really does not happen) .
I love you. This might be goodnight, my love.
I love you

quiet time.

Max baby im sullen but ok. I don't think it helps that im sleepy. Sometimes I wonder if to much coffee is contradicting. Max I like that my friend likes laying around. She actually feel asleep on the couch. Your daddy and her husband might go dirt bike ridding. Im a little worried though, because he was never gone riding before. It makes me a little nervous.
Max im doing a really good job at keeping everything together and being ok. Im actually really sad that my friends drove down from Boston to see us. I wish they where here to see you, not just me. I wish I was tired from you being up at night, not from the dog. I wish I was showing you off. Max baby we don't keep your door shut, we keep it cracked open for you. I don't ever want your door shut. Well there dog went into your, room. My friend asked if that was ok. It was ok with me. I like your room. sometimes I feel uncomfortable, that people may be uncomfortable. (if that makes sense) Max I did feel a certain way though, not upset, but maybe a little protective or even a little sad. As long as he or Beanz don't touch your bear where ok. I dont make your room off limits. I just don't want things moved.

Max I really like that even though I have company I can still have my really lazy unproductive days. Even though im in a certain way, Im not overwhelmed because they are here. Im not really even that agitated.
Im just sad. Thats all.

Max I called the obgyn on friday, I know that nurse that I needed to talk to was not there, but I had to leave a message to see if the doctor sent something over to RSI yet about a go ahead to start the process again. Im worried he is not going to say yes, even though he told me everything would be ok. I will be a little upset if I have been on this birth control for nothing.

Max we have another, friend coming over to night, to see the friend thats hear and her husband. I hope then im still the same. I think im ready for bed now though. So I wonder how I will feel later. I seem to get so tired. Like im a child who when there is to much stimulation they get overwhelmed an then crash. Im not overwhelmed yet, the way I thought I would be but I am tired.

Max I do like that im getting to write to you, a lot more then I thought I would. (that was making me nervous) My friend is sleeping, the dogs are sleeping and the boys are getting ready to go ride.
So far things are ok.

I love you my little love and miss you so much. I miss you so much as it is, but even more when Im in situations where you should be here and the center of everything.

Talk to you later.

Beanz is SO happy!

Hey baby boy. Our friends came over last night and Beanz was so excited. To excited. He was a pain in the butt whining all night because he wanted to go down stairs and see his dog friend. Max baby we had to put the leash on him so he would calm down and stay in bed. Only worked for like an hour at a time it seemed. So far today is Ok even though I got no sleep at all.
Max baby Im afraid this weekend Im not going to be able to write to you as much as I want. But Max dont think that I dont want to write to you. Its weird how torn I feel. I don't want to be rude.
Max your daddy is  still sleeping. But he needs his sleep.
Max I feel like a bad host. I just want to lay on the couch.
Im feeling better so far then I thought I would. Im scared for when I start to crash.
Max I love you. love you so very much.
Your daddy is awake now and were all watching a TV show on demand.
Max baby it is a show we all like, so it works out well.
Max its weird because when I cant sit and just type to you I feel so uneasy. I like having you at my finger tips.
So far so good, my love.
I love you so much I should come back later and write so that I don't seem so rude.
I love you so much my little love.

The day comes to an end....good night love

Hey my love im slowly coming to a calmer state tonight. Im still strangely agitated. Im better though. We finished cleaning. Your dad still has some dishes, and I need to finish the laundry. But everything else is done. We went to the gym, and then to the store together. Even though im slowly feeling a little better, im still so agitated.
Max that thing I was worried about, with my mouth getting me in trouble again. Well I over reacted. Well I did not overreact, I just did not need to worry that I said the wrong thing. Its my own problem baby boy.  I always feel bad for things, that i'm a bother. You dont need to hear about it, everything is fine and I was overly worried. But I'm a worrier.
Max when we were cleaning your daddies office and moving it to the basement, I saw all your baby shower decorations that we saved. I saw some "it's a boy" ribbon, and the chap-stick favors that have your name on it that my mom bought. It made me so sad and even more agitated. Then I saw the pregnancy/newborn and pregnancy fitness magazines that i bought. I threw them away today. those made me really mad. I wish I never bought them. Max I feel like I was SO prepared for you. I had every detail thought out, I had made plans for our plans. I had everything so thought out. I never should have been prepared. I never should have done anything until you where here. Max If I should be lucky enough to have another baby, im sure im going to be awful. I will be so happy, but Im not buying anything, not celebrating, I dont even know If I will name the baby or find out the sex. Nothing! Maybe some will think im a bad mom, and unattached. But Max I look at it two ways. One you dying has been the hardest thing ever, I dont want to get attached again until your sibling is here. I also fear so much that if your sibling dies, and I grew just as attached as I did to you, that somehow that will make you less important. I think that may seem weird. I just dont want anymore dead babies. I want alive ones. I want to keep you as amazingly special as you are. I dont want you to have to share that. Max I dont want anymore dead babies. I cant handle it, I honestly think if I become so in love like I am with you, and that baby dies. I think im done. I think then I will crawl into a hole and not come out. Max baby I cant do it. I feel like I will be writing to you forever, and thats ok. I dont want to be writing to someone else. Maybe im being selfish. I just dont want to have to share my love with someone else. I cant have you back, as hard as that is to deal with everyday. I need you to stay in the special place with me, and then someday soon have a baby that stays alive. If we have a sibling that stays alive, then they will have there place and you will always have yours.
Max baby I need to go fold some clothes.
Talking to you tonight has made me feel better. I am getting sleepy. Our friend will be here in about another 1.5 hours. Im pretty sure we will still be awake. I know Beanz will be so excited to see his dog friend. ha ha he is going to be so hyper.
Max baby I am so so sorry for being so angry today. I was just on edge, like I wanted to punch something. Your wonderful daddy and I wrestled this afternoon on our cleaning break. That helped me. (not for real fighting) We wrestle for fun sometimes. Of course i would win, but I cant use all my strength or else I would hurt him. He has these silly rules. I cant use a cupped hand and pound his ears. I cant use pressure points,  I cant kick his private area. So baby he does not leave much for me. Just know that I would win, if we where wrestling for real :)
Max baby thanks for being so amazing, and letting me talk to you. I promise if you were with me I would not be as neurotic as I sound. I promise im not that bad.  My life is so out of control now, nothing is right. I miss you so much, that somedays I cant stop thinking. Im so amazed at how much love and how attached I am to you. You were this amazing growing machine in my belly. I loved everything about it. I love you.

3:51
Hey love your daddy is not making me agitated any more. I love that guy so much. Im hard to be around lately im sure. So far we did a lot, im just taking a break im still feeling very overwhelmed. Oh well though right. I need to get to the gym. We have some more cleaning to do, but not so much. We are going to move your dads office back into the basement, now that its finished again. I like him working down there better, its less stressful. Laundry and food shopping. We are good at tag teaming tasks.
I think we are going to go the gym, and then get busy again.
Max I would like to go to sleep though. I feel so agitated, but im sure working out will help.
i just wanted to say I love you.
( I will send this later)
4:45
Max we just went and got coffee, we have decided to break until 530. We are going to drink coffee and watch a tv show together. Max I am in a better mood, still agitated but over all a better mood.
Max baby whenever we go to WaWa to get things we bring the dog. Well, he always gets a treat. Baby carrots. The dog has a harness seat belt that he wears because if not he wants to sit on our laps. When a 55 pounds of  solid muscle dog trys to sit on your lap while driving. Well its so unsafe....any way so he stays in the back, well I realized today when I gave him some carrots and then took him out of the car, under his blanket there is tons of orange crumbs. My backseat is covered with tiny fine pieces of carrots. ha ha but when I showed the dog, he attempted to lick it all up.
Max today is Veterans day-The day we thank all those who have served in war. I had off today because of that. I am thankful for everyone who has fought, for us. I would not be able to. My dad did. Happy Veterans day.
Max I went out to breakfast today, another reason why I did not write to you until so late. Breakfast was good. Max I weighed myself this morning and I dropped some more weight. according to this morning I was only about 8 pounds over my pre-pregnancy weight, but still like 18 pounds over my ideal weight. But Max i'll settle at 8 more pounds. Well I think all that I have eaten today had me regain lots of it! but it all tasted SO yummy-good.
Max im worried that my mouth got me in trouble again. I always feel like I say the wrong things. Its never my intentions, but I hope I did not ruin things, Or make things weird.
Max baby I miss you, life is so strange now. I used to know my place. (or I thought I did )
Other then being on edge/agitated today im not as bad as im sure this sounds. :/
Almost time to get some more done and go to the gym.
I love you so much.

"hi baby" day 87

Hey my love, im SO sorry Im just writing to you know. I was actually up pretty early. I woke up SO SO crabby. I was mad at your dad for setting his alarm, so early because once it goes off the dog gets up, once he is up I have to get up. Did your daddy get up???? NOPE. So yes I was crabby. I had to do something this morning and I did not want to write to you when I was that moody. It had nothing to do with you. Im not as crabby like that anymore, still moody but not crabby. Your dad is in a mood, which puts me in a mood and i'm not in a very patient mood. I hate writing to you when Im crabby, its not fair to you. Max I need to do so much today. Your daddy is caught up on this Penn state drama and its frustrating, its like we have different points of view.  Im sure you know where I stand. To be honest I don't know what he is so worked up about. I think he is just angry in general.
Max I feel bad that im just writing to you at 12:15 pm, all morning I keep thinking I have to write to you. I get so bothered if I don't get to talk to you.
I need to stay focused though, cleaning, bill paying, food shopping, making phone calls. Max If I don't write to you until later please no my love that you are so on my mind. I feel guilty for not typing to you like I should.
Max baby im so agitated! I LOVE you so much. I want to scream. Your dads mood is not helping my mood.

I love you so much my baby boy. Thanks for being my amazing focus.

Oxygen = life.................goodnight

Hi my little love. Im going to say goodnight. Im feeling overwhelmed with things. I have tons to do tomorrow, so im just going to go to bed. I took some benadryl with the melatonin tonight. Baby boy a commercial just made me cry-ahhhh.
I was staring at my phone cause your little body is on there. If i use my finger and touch the screen it slides you back and forth or makes you bigger. I was using my fingers to look at all of you again. The way your mouth is, is so cute. I love you little lips. But that facial expression is not because you where just born, its because you were dying,  because you had no oxygen.
Max baby I know what its like to not be able to breath, but I have had my whole life to learn how to calm down and relax. I go into calm mode, anxiety and panic makes it worse. It took me years.... You must have been so scared and stressed. I wish it was like me and just asthma. The ironic part is being pregnant with you my asthma seemed to disappear,  I dont think I have ever done so well. Just the first 2 months I still needed the inhaler. But then after that I never used it.  Here I was breathing just fine, and you where slowly losing your oxygen. Max baby I could have handled it, You should not have had to suffer. With out oxygen there is no life. Max I would trade being able to breathe for you. Im not scared about that, but you baby....Its not fair to you. I hope my love it was not to painful for you. I hope you where able to shut down and drift away, with out fear. I wish I could have kept you inside of me. Max i sure wish a lot of things, unrealistic things.
I hate how the tears come, they do no good. Nothing does any good, nothing will change anything. So I need to stop being such a sad person. Max I try, I try really hard actually, but sometimes even when I try, I cant control it some nights- SO these tears keep coming, and it changes nothing. I still miss and love you. Am so very grateful and lucky to have had you with me.
Baby boy I love you.
Goodnight

Max today was SO busy, that time I said things got slow, well it was short lived. Today was very busy, and it seemed to get busier. When I left work I discovered that today is a full moon, that kind of explained the day. Max we had a juvenile come in from the youth center, she is 4 months pregnant. Well all day in the lock up she was fine, she went up to court, as soon as they said she had to go back, she fell to the floor. I was not there so I dont know, what happened. But they took her to the hospital. I hope she is ok, but it makes me sad and angry. If she is having problems I feel for her, but if she is faking like some think she was it just makes me angry. I would do anything to have you. I just miss you.
Max im so very tired, I hate feeling this tired. There is no reason for it. Max I wanted to talk to you. I am going to go pick up food for your dad, and get some broccoli for me. Your dad does not eat meat so there is a place that makes black bean burgers near us, and strangely really good broccoli! I should just go to the store, but I dont want to. Max I was going to run, but when I got home it was dark, and made me feel even less motivated. Max im tired. I love you I will talk to you later my little love.

2nd time I cried at work, but i'm still ok.

Hey there baby boy, I'm sorry its so late in the morning and im just now writing to you. I have been at work since 6:20 and its been crazy busy. That’s a good thing though. I like the crazy stress of everything else around me, when I don’t have to think or feel. I get super calm and can take it. Chaotic work stress I can handle. We are very busy with inmates, and are short handed. So max im sorry Im just writing to you. Plus the phone is ringing like crazy. But this is good stress and good busy. Also Max its the last work day of the week. Im full of thoughts of you, but i'm ok.

Max I was ok waking up today. I had very strange dreams again. I had a dream I was pregnant and another dream that I was still in the hospital after you died. It was weird I wonder if it was like an inpatient type thing. It was not a maternity ward. It was strange though. Max I have been back at work for close to a month and 1/2 now and I only have actually cried twice when someone spoke to me. Well baby of course today was the second time. Both times by the same person. My boss!!! How unstable does that make me look. The thing is Max I guess im lucky that my boss is a female, and understanding. She is the only one that seems to be ok with having real conversations about you. Yes people ask how im doing, but sometimes its just people being polite. So I respond with "ok thank you" Some times I don’t want to give an answer or talk about it. But when she ask me im ok with talking to her. The strange part is my boss is a politician; she is good at having conversations and then jumping from conversation to conversation. But both times when she asked how I was doing and about you. I truly felt as though she was listening. She asked questions and was very supportive. I am grateful and lucky. I just wish I did not cry. She asked how I was doing and how its been with people asking about you. Max I told her that im getting better at blocking things out or with dealing I guess. She asked if I was seeing anyone, I told her I was when I was still off work, but it was making me to angry because unless you have been through this I dont think any one can understand. So to be sympathetic just made me more upset. I did tell her that I was going to a support group and do talk with some other moms who have unfortunately been through this awful experience. To me that is more helpful. Its such a specific hurt, that no one can just understand. Max baby I did think about going back to a counselor, but I think I would only go if I could find someone who directly deals with grief of a child.  I've looked its hard to find.
 She asked about your dad and how my mom is doing. It made me feel bad that im not nicer to my mom. Im not mean, I just don’t want her help. She told me that as a mom to grown kids, she feels for my mom, because she is dealing with losing her grandchild and knowing im hurting makes it worse. Max baby I feel really bad I just can’t handle her sadness. You would think a time like this family should be my go to, but I just don’t want to be around them. Max I feel awful for this, like such an awful daughter and person. I would just like to be normal again. I promise baby I’m not always this mean of a person.

Max a lot of feelings have come up last night and this morning. (Even sad ones in my sleep) But im ok. I like to keep my life, my feelings away from work, away from people but it was surprisingly nice talking to my boss. It also made me really upset, and then I have to recover from that and get it together again. Even so im ok. Max baby last night in the group someone was talking about when people talk about her baby, and how important/special it is when they call her by her name. Well when my boss was talking with me, she said your name more then once. That kind of hit me hard, It is special. Its strangely nice to hear you name come out of someone’s mouth when you don’t expect it to. Max she even asked about your baby things, and how im dealing with that. Max can you tell I was taken back but yet appreciative. I hate being caught of guard. But like I said before there was also something really nice in it. When we were talking about what actually happened to you. I told her that I was mad about the ultra sound and that maybe they should have been able to see it. I told her it does not change anything but I think about it a lot. More “what if’s” I guess. She told me she would be mad also. We don’t live in a third world country, we have all this medical science and technology. Max it won’t change anything, but I still cant help thinking about it. But it’s to late nothing will bring you back to me. So I need to let that go. Your worth so much more then being angry.

Max we have a real busy weekend and I think your dad is a little worried about me. Max we have a friend coming from Boston this weekend to stay. She is a good friend, one I can be around. Like the only other one who I have let in the house since you died, she wont care if I don’t clean the house (but don’t worry baby, that’s the plan for tomorrow) She all ready knows I don’t really cook, so that wont be a shocker when we have no food to offer them, other then cheese, milk, cereal and coffee (and the milk might be bad!). Shane asked me how I was going to be if they want to do stuff over the weekend. I told him don’t worry we wont be. Max that’s what great about this person I know she will be ok lounging in my house. Her husband on the other hand......not so sure! Im not stressing out yet over it. Im sure tomorrow towards the end of the day I will start to get anxious. But right now not so worried. Tomorrow though, it is a good thing I have off. The house needs to be cleaned, we really should by some food other then from WaWa. Your dad has to take his car to the shop real early. I guess a busy day is a good day though.

RSI called me today. We are playing phone tag. They want to start me on the insulin resistance medication again. I’m completely ok with that. Even though I think the last blood work showed things where better then last year. Max sometimes I wonder if puking so much caused the insulin resistance, and the years of strange diet habits. But last year they told me that sometimes it can just be genetic. I exercise and im normally not overwight.

Max my mind is busy; I have you in my thoughts so much. Sorry im writing so much. For as busy as the morning was things are dead silent now. Im not liking that so much.

Max baby, I should stop writing now before I go on and on about nothing other then my desire to have you back with me. Its amazing how much typing to you seems to calm me most days. I hope you can here me. I wish you know how much I miss you and feel so empty with out you. Some days I don’t feel like I will ever be ok again and that this dark void in my soul will never go away. But baby boy, just hearing you and kissing you makes it all worth it. You are so perfect to me. Love you.

Day 85 over and gone!

Hey my little love, I miss you lots. But im ok also. Im actually in a fairly peaceful mood. Just took the melatonin and hopping it works fast. Max my comfy christmas tree fleece pants fit again, so im quite comfortable. Max one of the sergeants I work with told me I dont look any heavier then I was before, in regards to being re-fitted. I thanked him and then told him that I went from having no hips to a completely different body. I still have weight to lose but, I know I will never be straight wasted. That wont change. but Max baby I think im ok with that. Well I know I am. I dont like carrying extra weight, but strangly im ok that my body is changed by you. Another thing you have given me . How could I not be ok with it. I am grateful for everything you have given me-even if it is womanly hips for the first time in my almost 31 years.
Max baby as funny as it is I feel a little bad. Beanz the dog is not the smartest when it comes to the laser pointer. I could not run him today so I took him out back and had him chase the laser. well know he is so on edge looking for it everywhere. He is whining to go back out side, but he just wants to look for the laser. Im a bad dog mom, for making him so stressed. But it was a little funny to watch him sprint back and forth through the yard, and at made me laugh. A for real laugh ( I just came back in from taking him out again.) I guess my plan of waring him out is not helping.

Max only one more day of work this week. Max I think your daddy is frustrated tonight. i really wish he would not take work so personally.

Max I love you so very much. Max its time for me to try and sleep. I dont think its going to go well tonight. As much as I want it to, my mind is pretty active. Im going to climb in bed and watch the rest of the country music awards. Max country music is not my most listened to genre, but I just like all music. If I hear and it sounds good to me then its good!

Max im in one of those really missing you, but a bit hyper and cant seem, to relax moods. Max Im just going to lay in bed and hope I sleep. Just one more work day.

Good night baby boy.

Another day........

"If it seems as though you havent "felt at all how" for a long time, look behind you. It could be that your tail is missing."

-Eeyore

Good morning baby boy. This morning was not so bad, I guess. I feel off though. I feel uneasy and anxious. This morning being re-fitted was not so bad, except the guy that does it was making my measurements well known. ha ha said my hips got bigger, I said yes I had a baby, it changes them. Everyone at Tredyffrin was nice and welcoming, but I felt embarrassed that I need new uniforms. Someone asked me how I was a corporal only being here for 3 years and looking like I am 12. I wanted to be like Oh well I used to be different, not so quiet and unsure of how to be. But instead I politely smiled and said, Im good at listening, doing what I’m told and following directions. They thought I was there for a ride along. I guess I should feel good that they thought I was young. But this is my own insecurities, I need to get over.

I feel sullen today. I’m not sure why, just extra sad and withdrawn. I feel like I don’t belong in the world anymore. I’m learning how to fit in again. There should be no reason for this mood; I’m just feeling really sad and empty. I feel like I should have you here with me. I should not be writing to you.

Im here till regular time today, the day all ready feels so long. But on the bright side only one more work day and then the week is over.

Max It’s the kind of day where thinking about you makes me worse. Talking to you makes me want to cry. I can’t cry at work.

I will be just fine though. Right now is just a low moment, there is still lots of day left to feel better. Love you

"When your tail is missing, remember that you have every right to mope."

-Eeyore

Thanks for the sunshine!

Hey baby the sun is going down now, the day was ok. We went for a walk, cleaned up all the leaves in the back yard, empty the leaves out of the gutters in the back yard. Took Kitty to the vets (that Ill tell you about soon) Went and got coffee, and then went for a run. I did nothing inside, I would much rather do outside work, then inside work. Max baby I went for a run an hour ago. It was awful! My shins really hurt and my legs felt like they were going through mud. I only did 2 miles today. I wanted it to be a long run, but its better then nothing. Your dad said that because im not back in running shape my legs still may be recovering from sundays long run. Max I need to rebuild the muscles on the front of my shins. Its a muscles most people dont have unless you play a specific sport that builds them. I used to have an awesome muscle there. Strangely my calves are still huge, so everything is off balance. But the run was better then nothing, it does not help that i only had 3 mini hershey bars and coffee.
Max your dad and I had to work together and take Kitty to the vets. She looks awful, lots of money later we found that her skin allergies are out of control. She has sores all over and had to get a shot of antibiotics and steroids. Poor cat. OH and we found out that she needs to have a tooth removed. Crazy how much a cat can cost. But Max she was the first animal your dad and I got together. Then came crazy, crazy Monkey and Beanz (Both Monkey and Beanz were rescued from one of my sisters, she should not be allowed to have animals or kids).

Max I love you. I miss you so so much.

Max I just saw some pictures of people I went to HS with who are pregnant and having baby showers, is it bad that the first thing I thought of is "there babies will probably not die"

Max Im going to write out some cards. sometimes I wonder if sending someone a card is ok. I know that sounds weird but sometimes I think people should know how special they are, but then I feel like im being corny. Im just so grateful for some of the people in my life and the kindness they give. I guess I feel so undeserving most of the time, So It surprises me how nice people can be. Most people should know how amazing they are. I could keep it to myself but then they will never know. ha ha just at the range when the co-worker asked about the holiday plans, and I said I was skipping them. He was ok with that (he knows about you) but he did not question or try to change my mind. It was ok. He was understanding, those little things I appreciate so much, but I cant really send someone a card for that!

Max I get fitted for new uniforms tomorrow. I hate that I have to have a bigger size, but oh well. My uniforms are getting close to fitting. But max when I started I was the skinniest I ever was, I know I wont be that small again. Even I know I was to small. I just want to drop another 15 pounds so im down to my starting pregnancy weight. (I dont count all the weight I gained from the fertility drugs) I hope that getting fitted does not make me stop wanting to try to fit in the old uniforms. I dont want room to grow. Max Im a little worried though because most people dont get re-fitted. I have to go to a local police station. Im sure they wont know I was pregnant, but like I said unless your new most people dont need to be re-fitted. Max I was pregnant with you and loved every moment of it. I just wish it was so much easier for me to say I was pregnant. Max I love you. I should not be so afraid to say it, I just know I will then have to explain that I dont have you.

Max it was so nice out today, I was hoping some of the toads would come out of hibernation.

Well baby boy, im going to work on these cards and then take my pills, find something to eat and go to bed.

Max overall it was a good day. (other then the crazy vet bill, but we cant control that and she needs it) Thanks for the sunshine outside and inside. I needed it today.
I love you.

I was just told its not 3 months but 12 weeks. (day 84)

Hey baby so your smarty pants dad just told me that its not 3 months. Yes its been 12 weeks, but three months will be the 16th of November. I was counting 4 weeks as a month. Why is my math/logic so bad. I guess he is right though only February has 28 days. But yet I just consider 4 weeks to be a month. Well even so baby boy. Its been 12 week 84 days.  hmmmmmm on your dad! (But I still love him, and he makes me smile)

3 months today my sweet boy

Good morning my little love. Today is 3 months since you were born and died. 3 MONTHS! Sometimes I wonder how I got this far with out you, and I also wonder how I will continue to go on with out you in my life. Its crazy how other deaths I have faced, never hit me this hard. When my grandmom died, that was hard, she was the one person I felt so much unconditional love and safety from on my dads side of the family. Im starting to get to know them all now thought and thats been nice. Some came to your service, who I have not seen since my grandmoms funeral. When my aunt died I was young and had other problems at the time. A friend that died a few years ago was hard, because friends can die, and life is short. She was a big part of my growing up. But my life went on. When I broke up with your daddy in 2006 that was  huge loss. Even though I broke up with him, I felt like my world was shattering. I was a mess. But I guess I knew we where made for each other, and that we were bound to get back together. Maybe thats why I fought so hard, or maybe thats why it hurt so bad. Yes I was the one to give back the ring and break everything off. and yes we are so much better today for it but that shook me hard. BUT Max your dying, i was not ready, not ready at all. That was the happiest, scariest  and worst day of my life. That day 3 months ago. Max I have told you before the things I have been through. Its just you get used to them, it becomes your life. Each day you learn to cope more and more. you learn to figure things out and survive. Max Im still trying to figure out life with out you. I guess I managed 3 months right, so I have no choice but to keep managing.
Max I went to bed SO early last night. It was for the best. I knew I was not doing well. I was in bed by 830 and asleep sometime before 9. I woke up wide awake around 12:30-1am. But then feel back asleep. As much as I was in bed I did not sleep well. I woke up a lot. Not as much as some nights. I think mostly because I went to sleep so early and the drugs where waring off. Its 9:10 now and Im writing to you outside in the sun. Its a beautiful day. I'm so glad I dont have to be a work today. Beanz is chewing the grass and sticks while I type to you. Max temperature wise this is one of the nicest days in a while. I may even take my sweatshirt off. The doctor did say my vitamin D was low, so maybe this will help.
I just received an email from my angel mommy friend in Germany. Max I wish I was well traveled. Being in Germany as a baby does not count, plus is was on a US army base. I only remember mountains and a girl my mom babysat who peed the bed. I also remember her talking about burger king. Not that much different from here. I went to London in college for a week, everything is so old and amazing. The castles where beautiful and creepy. Max if you were here you would know I love old things, old structures. The reason I chose Beaver college was because of the castle and the idea of it being haunted. Not the best reason to chose your college, but in the end it was the best choice. I went to the Dominican Republic for a week, but I was on a resort so you dont see the culture. For our honey moon we went to Mexico, we did go off the resort and some of the things I saw were so old and amazing. Max we went to the Mayan ruins, they where amazing! Im lost for words about how the ruins where. Max do you know Im part Mayan/Aztec  on the Mexican side and then there is the Italian side. Max I am 50/50. Growing up I hated being part Mexican, it was like it was a bad thing. Even though Im getting back in touch with that side of the family now. The one thing I have learned is they are very much for family. I guess growing up we where the outsiders. My mom and dad divorced so we never saw them. i never felt like they wanted to know us, Just my grandmom and one aunt. When a lot showed up for you, that was touching. Max do you know my dad has been texting me every Sunday. He does not know this is here, but i wish he knew how much that means to me. Its crazy how I want nothing to do with my mom and sisters who have been there my whole life, but I need my dad who was never around. WEIRD! I wish I had learned to speak spanish as a kid, but when we went to visit my grandmom, she would use us for english. I could always understand her spanish though. Just hers really. The one thing im fluent in is "give me a kiss" is "Dame un beso" I will always have that in my head. Other words as well . But thats the one I love the most. Your daddy is mix of things also, his dad is adopted so they are not sure what he is. But he is pale white, with blue eyes and blond hair. His mom is German/American dutch I think. The funny thing is your Daddy looks like he has some ethnic genes in him also.He can get as dark as me and has super awesome curly hair. I really wish I could have watched you grow and see what you would look like.
Sorry that was a long tangent!
I miss you so much, I want to have a good day. I dont want to be so miserable on the three month mark. I want to be happy I go to have you grow so long in me. Happy I got to hear you cry. Happy I got to kiss your perfect cheek. Happy I got to keep my life. Its hard though baby. I know I cant change the past, I know I cant keep looking for answers. It is what it is. Somedays I can have more of a positive out look (or some moments) Other days it takes everything I have to tell myself I will be ok. Each day somethings get easier and other things get harder. I think its ok that I went to bed so early yesterday.. I also think its ok that im sitting outside and enjoying the sun.  I think today will be a long run day.
Max I also think today may be a day I write to you a lot. I wonder if you hear my thoughts, or if someone reads them to you. I assume that as they go from my head to my fingertips they get to you. For some reason unless I write I cant seem to stop thinking. I cant explain or acknowledge how I feel unless im writing. I never was a good speaker, im not articulate when it comes out of my mouth. It just sounds like word vomit, or im overly honest to others and it sounds like im a rude mean person. things never come out like they are meant. Thats why I like to write. Max I hope you dont care about all the grammar and spelling. Growing up and in school I would always get in trouble for writing how I speak. Well this time I dont think thats a problem. My fingertips are doing my speaking.
Max im going to return some emails and take Beanz for a walk. I love you SO much my little love.  Im sure i will be writing to you a lot today.

:/

Max im a bit sad today. I hate hate hate, how its just turning 6pm and now its completely dark out. This is not helping my mood. Max My dad was ok, im just sad. I did not do well at the range. I did not to bad, for not shooting in a year, but still I did not qualify. But it seemed to come up a lot today that I WAS pregnant. There where new hires at the range. Im sure some where wondering about some of the conversations that I was having with other co-workers. Oh well. Max a co-worker asked what my plans where for the holidays. I told him I was skipping them, he did not seem bothered or question it, which was very nice of him. Another co-worker who gets picked on all the time did so well on the range, I was so happy for him. (Max he is the one that brings me coffee) I tried to convince him to come ride with your daddy. He needs people to be nice to him and treat him like the person he is and not some dumb idiot that everyone walks on. Im glad im his Corporal.  When I got home your dad was mowing the grass and was stopped by the lady that lives behind us. She is a very nice 90 yr old. She asked your dad how I was. He had to tell her about what happened to you. She said she could tell something was off, because she did not see us out walking with the baby. She told him that at first she thought maybe we did not want to take you outside. But noticed we were never with you. She told your daddy that we should not give up. That was sweet of her. Max I did not know she was 90! She looks and gets around so well.

Max I just feel depressed today. I have not been crying, or been angry. I just feel low. Im ready for bed. I want to take some melatonin and go to sleep. That probably for the better.
Max I really want to eat lots and lots of bad for me food and then get rid of it. But its been so long and thats because of you. sometimes I feel like puking is the only thing thats going to make me feel better. The only thing that will clear my head, make me relax.I promised you I will never puke again. But it seems to be getting harder and harder lately, Ya Im going to go to sleep.

Max baby, sometimes I worry that im going to watch what I say to you because of people that can see this. I know theres not that many. But the day I feel the need to hold back what I have to say to you, is the day I need to start over, and make you private. Sometimes I feel bad that some have access and others dont but, it better that way. Its fine the way it is. So far im not worried about who can see our conversations. MAX I LOVE YOU, tomorrow will be 3 long months since you died........Goodnight my love im better off going to sleep. (I have off tomorrow baby boy)

Gun range today :(

Hi baby sorry I did not say goodnight last night. I had washed the sheets and blankets took some sleeping pills and fell asleep. I love getting in to a freshly made bed.
Today is going to be interesting. Im scheduled to go to the range to qualify on my gun. Max Im not the best at shooting, its not my favorite thing. I’m not a gun person. Also I have not practice in almost a year because of being pregnant with you. I’m very competitive with myself and I don’t like not doing well. I tend to get stuck in my head, over think everything and beat myself up. Im hoping because we are super busy, I wont be able to go. Max im not being negative, but im not going to qualify. There is no way, between lack of practice and nerves. Also I think its chilly today so when my hands get cold they are useless. Im not trying to psych my self to fail, I will fail with out any help from my brain. BUT Max I do get like that before any competition, its like if I know I wont do well, then I wont be to disappointed. I do it the most with when I raced. If I don’t expect much from my self I wont be to mad, and if I do better then I thought then its a surprise! But I hope something happens and I have to stay here. You would think shooting would be a great stress reliever, nope it just adds stress. I tried not to think about it over the weekend so I did not completely psych myself out.

Max I was thinking about how lucky I am with the people in my life, and ironically other then college friends and some here and there. Most of the amazing people in my life I met at Devereux. I worked for 3 different areas of Devereux throughout my 5years. From the residential to family based therapy to social work/case management. I have been lucky to have made some of the greatest friends as well as met some amazing families. Sometimes I regret quitting, but Max baby I was going nowhere and would need to go back to grad school for my masters. At the time I was not ready, nor do we have the money. So I switched careers. Its not that much different really. Max baby im sorry you can’t meet anyone. They are all so supportive in different ways and you would have been lucky to have them in your life.

Oh last night when I was in your room getting your bear, I picked up one of the animal candles from your baby shower and it also smelled like that clay smell, I smell sometimes. I thought that was kind of neat.

Max I need to focus today, I have things to do, work to get done and bullets to shot. Wish me luck. I love you baby boy.

The sun's going down, so am I

Hey baby boy, this is where my sadness creeps back, the sun is going down its getting cold fast. Soon its going to be dark out and seem real late ( I guess thats a good reason to go to bed). After I talked to you I did nothing else. Well I did go out back and sit in the sun and read a book a friend sent me. I read about half of it. (Max baby I read super fast, which become a problem because the books end quickly!) But since I talked to you I have done nothing else productive. Well I did check on the laundry and fold some clothes. Your dad went riding, and then we went to wawa together. I think we should take stock in that store! I only got orange tic-tacs. Max if you were around you would know that im addicted to them and dont eat them as a mint but as an amazing little candy. Max I wanted to go to the store and get some cards to send to some people, but im not sure im going to make it out. Sunday evenings are not a good time to go to the store. It tends to be a real busy time.
Max I took out all the change I could find in my car and put in the toad bank. Its max's money! Your toad bank is to do something with your money for another baby. Max I think the first will be to NILMDTS foundation. Because of them I have these amazing pictures of you. Your dad and I dont have extra money and bills have been tough. It seems like the only way in the future to have  a sibling is to do a frozen embryo transfer, thats not cheap. Im to affriad to try on our own becaue every time the baby has died. Some how my body does not produce enough hormones to keep it going. If we go through the fertilty doctors they can control all that. We dont have any money, or much savings but we still have more then a lot of people. Max change adds up, and a lot of times its just there and it floats around. You put some here, it get dropped here......if I put all the change in the toad bank-Max's Money it will add up.

Max I will talk to you later. Im really kind of tired/low and feeling sad, but your dads not starting work till 5 so we are going to hang together.
Love you

Today you are my sunshine! (day 82)

Hey baby boy I know its later then I normally right to you. But I wanted to wait and see how I become. So far today is going well. I seem to tell you when I feel awful. Well today Im feeling ok. Its really nice outside. The sun is bright and even though I did not get out of bed until 930, It would have been 1030 yesterday. So thats a good thing.
So far I have played with the dog, in the process of washing clothes (including the sheets), I have cleaned the living room and straighted up the bathroom. I dusted your bedroom and picked up all the water bottles and empty the trash in the bedroom. Now it sounds productive, but I have been working on all this since 10:30 and its now 1pm. It takes me forever to get things done because I get so distracted and then bored. Im Good at knowing what I need to do, just not good at getting it done. Today would have been a good day to take an ADD pill. I just dont want to, im trying not to need them. I went 10 months not taking them and did fine. But I was also able to blame being a scatter brain on being pregnant. The one time I put the milk in the cabinet and my keys in the fridge. Well I blamed it on baby brain. I know how to be organized I just cant follow through. Im great at making list, I just lose them or dont follow them. I could organize any one-thanks to my mother. Just not myself. Max it just takes me a really long time to do things, I start something, then get an idea and start something else. Then that turns into another thing and soon I have started a bunch of things that stay half finished. Max I was hoping that being your mom would change that for me.  ha ha ha Max I was attempting to clean my bedroom that turned into seeing if my uniform fits (its getting close, but it wont with the vest and undershirt) and then that turned into seeing the home doppler I listened to your heart with, which turned into a distraction, which then led me to looking at a running magazine I found, then I started to look for change in the bedroom, which in turn lead me to deciding to take a break and write to you. I wanted to only tell you good things today. Nothing bad.

Max I had weird dreams again, but not bad. I had a dream that I was in heaven. I dont know if you where there but there, but there was a boy. (not a baby) I was working but we where in the clouds. I went cloud surfing with a boy, we jumped out the window and went floating on the clouds. We were on our bellies. Is that what you do on a cloudy day up in the sky. At one point in the dream it was night time and the stars where amazing, they were the brightest things I had ever seen. I opened a window and they were right there floating around me. Max it was a dream I wanted to stay in.

Max also I have been smelling a weird smell a lot. Your dad does not smell it. Its been for a couple months now. I dont think its you, but its strange. It smells like wet modeling clay. Its a neat smell, I like it. We dont have clay like dirt outside, and I dont use clay. But it makes me think of you. There is a baby lotion you were given as a gift and after you died I felt the need to use your baby lotion. Even though you never got to smell like a baby does, it made me want to use it to smell a baby. This was a lotion made by Burt's bee's and this smell I smell outside at times is similar. Max I dont use that lotion anymore, no one does, and the smell comes outside. Just something strange I wanted to tell you about.

Max I thought the other day, and told someone who was missing her baby that you and the others had no choice. you could not decide if you could live or die. BUT I CAN. I can choose. I dont mean I would end my life. I just mean I can chose to live my life. It does not make anything easier and some days I cant be positive no matter how I try. BUT I will live my life, for you. You are to important to give up on.
Im feeling positive today. Im actually really, really missing you and I even cried today.BUT im keeping my head up today. (well so far today)

I should go back to slowly being productive around our house. Max so far I found a bunch of lose change. We have a bucket of change, but your dad said that would be cheating. He said we can still use it, I just cant put it in the toad bank.

Max I hope your smiling today. Its going to be 3 months this Tuesday ( I actually have off the day, for Election day. So thats helpful)

Love you my little sunshine.

Max-I love you and your daddy so much. Goodnight my little love.

Thanks.

Hey baby I really hate how im up and then I go down....I was so motivated this morning, but now im stuck in the corner of the couch again.  Your dad asked why I was being mean to him!. Sorry, i did not mean to be. Im just extra cranky. I ran so well this morning, This time I ran non-stop for 35 mins. I then did a little lifting. I went to the store got the BC pills and I found this big toad piggy bank. Its big Max. So I decided to buy it, and that ever time its full Im going to find a charity to give it to. Max thanks for allowing me to find it. Im not going to put it in your room I think im going to keep it in the living room.

Max I think im a little crabby because of the holidays. The plan is to do thanksgiving at your daddys mom's house (your grandma) She talked to my mom and they are in on it. I dont think im going to go. Your dad said, that my sister wants to do something for the babys 1st birthday also. I dont want to be there. I dont want to celebrate her first birthday. Its not that im not excited for them, I just dont want to be there. So im going to stay home. I told your daddy not to say anything. I know my mom too well, If I dont go she will be all miserable and decided not to go. I bet she is only going to go to your dads moms, because she thinks its going to be good for me. Or that its what I want. If she knows I dont plan on being there, she wont go and thats not fair to your daddys mom. She wants this, she never host anything. I just am not up for it this year and I really cant be there when they celebrate the babys 1st birthday. Im going to need to stay home with the dog. I really wish I could just see all the other kids. Max I really miss them.

Max is written on the other side!

Max I found out who sent the necklace. I adore it. It makes me so happy and it goes perfect with my other one. I think back to when I was first hired at Devereux and worked in the residential part I was still a newer staff around the holidays. Well I wanted to spend the holidays with my family ( I dont remember if it was thanksgiving or christmas) but this person was willing to work it for me. I will never forget that. Now almost nine years later I still wished I worked there so I could work during the holidays, instead of being home. How awful of me is that. Max this friend now has a beautiful family and I wish I could return the favor. I will never forget that she was willing to work for me that year. I wish that this person was back in the states, but im sure she is much happy over seas.





Max other then the gym and going to the store I have not done much! But neither has your dad so its ok. I am drinking Wawa coffee, with some amazing creamy chocolate from Germany and then we are going to do something around the house.

Now that he told me im being crabby towards your dad im going to stop. I love him so much!
Max I just wanted to talk to you. I Miss you. Even though your not here and the living toads are hibernating I have these. Love you baby boy.

Ambitious Saturday day 81 (part one)

Hi my little love. I want to have a good day. Im going to really focus on it. The outside looks deceiving it seems sunny and warm, but nope its cold and windy. Max i really need to do some house work today. I will get done my errands today. I need to get new BC pills and a usb drive. That will mean I have to go to the store. Max being a female im supposed to want to go shopping. I hate it! Well I used to love walking around stores and looking at things, watching people. Max Im also going to go the gym today. Im being a bit ambitious.
Your dad is going dirt bike riding, but with my moms fiance. Maybe im being avoidant but im going to try and leave before he gets here. Just in case my mom comes or something. I just dont want to hang out with others today. You dad did say that he wanted to ride with him, so that they do not think we are deliberately ignoring them. You dad is such a great, thoughtful person. ha ha and I think he wanted someone to ride with.
Baby my fingers are so cold, they hurt to type. My hands get like that sometimes.
Well baby boy I love you. Lets see if I can actually accomplish things.
Hopefully you are having fun today baby boy.

Max  I love your daddy so much. I know you would have as well. With out him, I don't think I could survive this. He truly is my best friend. He can allow me to be a complete mess, feel miserable and then make me laugh. Max Im going to go to bed soon. I just wanted to tell you I was feeling low, and he comes in and accepts that, then somehow makes me smile (even after I got snappy towards him NOT at him).
Tomorrow im sleeping in, then working out! Max we ate so much crappy food tonight. I can not eat for a week and still have calories to burn, between the candy and buffalo chicken fingers. love. Im so lucky to have your wonderful dad and the wonderful gift that was sent through the mail. I am truly grateful for what I have and I need to remember what I do have.
Good night my little

A surprise in the mail.

Sorry little boy, here I go writing again. Im SO tired, I really think today is a day off from running day. I feel so mentally and physically exhausted. I did lift a little on my lunch break though. I dont get hungry during the day, so there for there is no need to eat. I don't want to take a break and walk around or go outside, who knows who I will run into. But I was tired of sitting so I went into our work gym and lifted a little bit, nothing spectacular. Max baby I have always held tension in my shoulders, I was hoping it would help relive some of the knots. Nope still hurts. Max I feel so lazy (partly because I am)  I just want to lie on the couch, and snuggle with the blankets.
Max a necklace came in the mail today. I have no idea who its from, there is no card or anything. I absolutely love it, its wonderful, it goes so perfect with another one I have. Its hand made. A silver flat circle charm one side says MAX and the other has a drawling of a Toad. I like the sound it Makes when your forget-me-not flower its it. Max it was nice surprise in the mail among bills and junk mail. Its super thoughtful and Im so grateful, and feel so undeserving of this kindness. Max your so loved, not only by me but by so many others.  Its funny cause I never really wore Jewelry before. But I love my necklaces. I love having you around my neck. I love wearing your ashes (I know that sounds strange) Your forget-me-not with your birthstone and now your name. Your perfect name MAX with a little toad. Max its strange how I can feel loved by someone, enough to give me such a thoughtful gift but yet feel so alone and empty at the same time.

Max im ok- I think, im just really tired.  I really just want to lay here. Your daddy is getting me some coffee, on his way home from the bank. I really need to clean this weekend, thats going to be my weekend goal.
Max I never watched Bones last night.
Your dad needs to get rid of this candy he bought. Doesn't he know im trying to fit into my clothes again. The candy bowl is so tempting!
Well baby Im going to shut the computer down for a while. I love you SO much. I need to go away form all this and the world for a little while. I adore you. I hope you are ok today. I will talk to you later baby boy. OHH your dad is home with the pumpkin spice coffee.

Max im SO cranky all of a sudden, your dad and i started talking about me and my family and my need to be distant. I dont think he understands, then again im not sure if I do either.

I did not loss you. I know your not here. (Day 80)

Max as much as I wanted to go to bed real early, I even ended up taking some Benadryl. For some reason I could not fall asleep. I hate when the drugs dont work! I only had coffee in the morning and my run was early. There was no reason why I should have been so wired with 9mgs of melatonin and Benadryl.  I even woke up so much last night. The only time I seemed sleepy was when it actually was time for me to get out of bed!
So I was thinking why do people say there "sorry for my loss". It’s crazy because I say it also. I say a lot of the same things I don’t like. Or its not that I don’t like it, it just makes me think, more then I all ready do.  The thing is there are not many other words to fill in. People don’t want to say Sorry about the death, or sorry your child died. I guess loss, does sound softer but I may be missing you but I did not lose you. I lost a really important ring like 6 years ok, two of them. My college ring, that my mom bought me and a ring that an uncle (not blood related) gave to me mom, who gave to me. Those 2 rings meant a lot to me, and I was foolish and lost them. I looked hard, even bought a metal detector. I never found them, but there somewhere. Max with my ADD brain I lose things a lot, or misplace them, and forget things. But no matter how hard I search im not going to find you. You’re not lost somewhere. You’re not coming back. I understand why people say "loss" I guess maybe I’m losing out, or I’am with out someone. BUT if only you were just misplaced, there would be that hope of finding you. Yes it would make me a bad mom, if I did lose you, but you would still be here. I would be ok if people thought I was a bad mom for a little while if it meant having you back.
Same thing with oh "you can try again" Well yes I think I have used those words, I know I talked to you about this before. You were not a failure; you were not a problem that I need to work on. I could never try again to have another you. There is only one you! I will try to have another child. That other child will be your sibling. You may be dead, but you’re still my oldest, and not something I need to try again at.
"Everything happens for a reason" yes maybe that’s true and sure I was one of those people who has said that and believes that. I just don’t know if I believe it anymore. What possibly could be the reason you had to die? Max I hate not being able to figure things out. I mean maybe things do happen for a reason, ill just never know. Its proven that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. If Newton can prove that things happen for a reason then I should believe it right!  Well what is the reason?

Max im glad it is Friday. After I get through this day, the week is over. Another one I got through. Next week the county is closed Tuesday and Friday, so it will be an easier week. Max I love you little boy. I hope your doing ok where you are, I hope your happy. I hope you know how much I love and miss you.

By the way its been 80 days since you died.

Big cats cry for there cubs also

Im ready for bed now. I just took them sleeping pills im ready to crawl under the covers and shut off.  Max baby i should look up how much melatonin is to much. either way its still better then  benadrayl im sure.
Max When I first got your pictures in the mail, they were hard to look at. But it seems like now i look at them all the time. It makes me regret a lot of things. I did not hold you enough. I was to upset you were dead. I kept wanting to give you back. Maybe I wanted them to give you back to me when you woke up. But I wish I held you more. I realized tonight I did not inspect you enough, Im starting to forget things like, how you smelled, I want to feel your hair. Touch your ears. I know i will never forget you, but what if I forget things about you. I think im starting to forget details. Its been almost 12 weeks and i all ready feel like im forgetting things about you. Im so grateful for those pictures. I just wish I could climb into them, and be with you. I love the way you look, even after you died. You look dead in your face, but i Still love everything, and could stare at you pictures all day.
I spent a lot of time today, looking at your hands. I kind of want to take the picture to a palm reader. I wonder what your little lines would say. I wonder if your hands would look like your dads (he has perfect  man hands). Would your hand fit perfectly into ours. Its amazing how strongly I miss you. I cant seem to make it stop. This crying over things is draining me. Max i look at you in awe, I get peacefully and inspect all my pictures looking for something I missed about you, learn a new feature. Then that goes away and it turns into tears. Not just you Max, but everything about babies is beautiful. All there perfect little features. Science is amazing how all babys, have these traits that make people/animals want to take care of them and go awe! People are so attracted to baby features, its almost an innate thing, its survival. Babys where pretty much made for someone to want to protect them, so they can survive. Well if thats a natural psychological reaction in repose to a baby mammal, If we were made this way and science can explain it. Then how come there is nothing in us for how to handle when your own baby dies. If we are designed to be attracted to babies, how do you turn that off so that you can survive. Maybe if once your baby died, your brain made you completely un-attracted to small cute things, or your hormones changed to not caring. Maybe the baby would all of a sudden no longer still look perfect. Science is amazing, but why cant they fix this feeling. Max i am so in love with you. but i cant get you back. I saw a show on animal planet. Planet earth i think, well there was a big cat (forget what kind) its baby disappeared and she was seen calling and calling her baby. She did this night after night and they showed her continuing to look for her baby and call out. It was heartbreaking, her baby was not coming home either. I felt so much for this mama cat, my heart ached for her, her cub and you.  They should her in such distress going to high points to look out for the little cub. A big fearless wild animal crying for her baby to come back but her baby was dead.
Max believe it or not im doing ok, i guess. Went for another run ( a shorter one, it was with your dad) ate  a sort of unhealthy dinner together, before he started work. Im ok, I think, im just really missing you. I miss your toads also. I feel so empty, so im going to go to bed soon.
Goodnight my little love.

Slowly where you are come back down and I wont tell your name......

Hey there baby boy. I just wanted to tell you that im in love with your little hands and feet. I really could look at them all day. I love those perfect little toes, and your tiny toenails. Sadly I think you would have big, long skinny feet like me. I just love your baby hands with all the lines and wrinkles. Its crazy how much character you have in those hands. I wish I could feel them again. Hold your little fingers, even though they were lifeless. They were still yours and I want to feel them again. I want to smell your hair, feel your soft cheeks. Max I am so grateful they let me kiss you before they took you away. I saw your beautiful baby face, when there was still life in you. Max if I had known then that there was no chance of survival for you, and that nothing could have been done. I think I would have asked to hold you. But then I think maybe you where suffering because you were suffocating. Max I’m missing you a lot. Having lots of regrets. Whishing I could just touch you one more time. Today right now im having a sad time. SO it might be best if I don’t write until im home. My mind is heavy. you dad was awake when I left, he told me he was sad. I asked why, he sad some of it was because he was missing you. I brought him your bear with your ashes inside so he could sleep with you, like I do. Max I’m missing you.

Oh a side note, Bones starts tonight. One of my favorite shows, I was so exicted because Bones and Booth are haivng a baby (even though I know its fictional) but now I dont even care.

Anna Begins..........Goodnight baby boy

My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
But I am not really worried, I am not overly concerned.
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget. To make yourself forget. I am not worried.
"If it's love," she said, "then we're gonna have to think about the consequences."
-Anna Begins, Counting Crows


Hey baby boy looks like today was another day I needed to write to you more then twice (sorry).So I did it again, I decided to just go for a run even tough I was feeling low and only had juice and orange tic tacks today. But it was worth it. This time it was the longest run yet. I ran for a full half hour, exactly 30 mins. I dont think thats so bad for giving birth 11 weeks ago. I did not pay attention to mileage but most of the run seemed fast. Its so weird Max how when I run something switches on, or maybe its something switching off. Not really sure. Well your dad and I had a pretty intense conversation about you dying. We both agree that the hospital and are regular doctors did nothing wrong and I am nothing but grateful for the way I have been treated. I will always remember how well I was treated, and how much there kindness has meant. The thing that I have been thinking about is if the placenta was so small (and it was ) Should they have been able to see it when I had that ultra sound at 36.5 weeks. Our doctors did not read it. It was not done in the office, I don't really even know im my doctor ever saw it.  I remember thinking when we had the ultra sound that the tech did more measurements and pictures then the 20 week scan. So it just makes me think if you died because of the placenta being small and poor blood flow/poor oxygen then at 36 weeks they should have been able to tell. Max that was the cause of all the other problems that killed you. So I just wonder what if? Nothing will bring you back, I just miss you. I still have SO many questions that i need to find answers to. Your dad told me to request the scan if I want, but to make sure I know that it may make things worse for me and to be ready to deal with either way. He also told me that most doctors wont touch re-reading the results. The thing is Max I just want to know. I dont want to know, to do anything other then just to know for myself. I dont want to do anything about it. I just want to know if it could have been seen. I want to know if its something that will happen again, if its something they really had no way of seeing (even though Im sure you could see if a placenta is significantly small) I also want to know if there is anything I could have done, If I contributed in any way. I also in my gut know now that, that pain I had in my side had to have been related. ANYWAY my point is your dad and I had a good conversation. He is right, nothing will bring you back, but he was also supportive in what I want to do. He also told me that its me being controlling. (not in a bad way) A need to control the situation and be ok. But then I went for the run, I always get such clarity. I dont need to get those results, I just need to let it go Max. I dont know how Im going to do that, but I need to figure it out. My run was going ok, but then i went well i wanted to keep running. A song came on, that was a different version then the originally it was extra long. Sometimes I play games with my self when I run, so this time the game was I could not stop till the song was over, I restarted it 3 times. SO when I wanted to stop I had to keep going. Its a song that would not make anyone come close to tears, but lately when I run, I have been crying. Well to a re-mixed killers song I started to cry. Max I have issues! When I was done my head was spinning, felt like it was floating and my legs were in slow motion. I really did feel high. Max that's why I love to run. Days when I dont want to get off the couch and step outside I need to remind my self those things. Im worried though that this high is going to come crashing down, so maybe I should just go to sleep. Max I love you so much and.....

It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."
But it's not all that easy, so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net and pin her down on a photograph album.
I am not worried cuz I've done this sort of thing before.
But then I start to think about the consequences,
And I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...
(Anna Begins, Counting Crows)

So I just realized how hard, this holiday season is going to be. Im sitting here doing ok actually looking up ideas for a way to honor you. A co-worker comes in and starts playing Christmas music. Max its only Nov.2^nd. That whole emotional thing I talked about this morning, while-Just kidding. Im not as good at hiding it as I thought I was. It took everything in my power not to start really crying. My eyes where watery, but I was able to not have anyone notice. Max I had to walk out. This is only the beginning. So far I have been ok at work. The only time I cried was my first week back when my boss spoke to me. Today was the second. This is going to be hard. Since when does not even good Christmas music make me cry. Now I guess it does. I was not expecting that at all. Max I took a break and went outside in the back alley

Have the little toy toad in my pocket! (day 78)

Good morning baby boy Today I have that little tiny rubber toad with me. I like knowing its there! I had some really weird dreams last night! One a man was hanging out of an open elevator while it was going down. I held him by his shirt. The other one was me going back to therapy. The elevator dream was really weird. I remember very calmly griping his shirt. He did not seem like he was going to fall but he was hanging out, the elevator was in a garage and was open all around us. So I just griped the shirt to make sure. Then I woke up and realized I was 5 mins late, which throws me off. I have my deadline on the latest when I can get out of bed.
Max So far this morning work has been a little chaotic (well not for me) But I like when its busy like that. I function best when lots of things are going on. Its a time when others stress, and I get calm. I can handle that kind of stress; I like busy and multiple things at once. But now its back to being quiet. I’m in the control room again baby, so its good. Yesterday though I had a run in with someone. I did not really want to talk about it yesterday. But today im ok, and in a better frame of mind right now. But yesterday I was leaving 10 minutes early (to avoid just this type of thing) and a lady that works in the sheriff’s office, the clerical part stops me. Well she was pregnant at the same times as me. We were a week apart. She also had a little boy. Well max when I was trying to escape before everyone else and then I ran into her. She hugs me and says she is so sorry. Says she did not want to say anything before because she did not want to upset me. Well Max it was funny because this poor girl was so upset and on the verge of tears. I was like "Make this end!" to myself. The OBGYN doctor I saw all the time was right. He told us that at times we will find ourselves consoling other people. I felt bad for this girl. It was like she could not stop saying sorry. I did not want her to cry, I also did not want to be there. It was like she wanted me to stay and talk, find out how I was doing. Well I kept saying "fine" and "Life could always be worse". I think I felt worse for her in that moment.  It’s funny max because I am an emotional person lately, but in general I am not. I am a private person and when I break down its alone (the only other person would be you Dad). But I guess that’s why I stuff everything, why I run, why I was bulimic for more then half of my life. Im emotionally avoidant. But with that being said it’s been a great protection. When she was there on the edge of crying, I was so unattached. Almost like what ever! Sometimes emotional situations even make me uncomfortable. Like I should laugh or down play things. Im great at dealing with other people’s emotions, just not mine. I can read almost anyone, pick up the vibe around me. But I can also shut off. Max with you dying I lost a part of that, I have been SO over the top emotional. Some days I can’t keep it together and then is so uncomfortable for me. Well recently I feel like Im getting back to being able to shove everything away and just be unattached. I’m doing well at covering up again. But I also feel extra numb and unattached when im around others. Its only those that sadly understand, or certain friends I still cant help being emotional when things are said. I don’t like emotions but for you everything is worth it. I still break down everyday when I leave work, or am alone at home. The strangest things make me cry. Most days I only look/act together on the outside. I should have been an actress. I wanted to as a kid, but was always to shy. Funny how now I seem to be acting all the time now. 
Max I came in early, but I may have to stay till regular time. It will be ok, just as long as I can avoid the outflow of county employees. Max I’m going to try and have a good day today. I drank some of that juice I made. Not as good as my others, it was a bit chunky! Max I really love and miss you. Someone from the MISS site that I was talking to says she does a toy drive in memory of her little girl. I thought that was a really good idea. I would love to do something like that for you. I don’t know if I can deal with it for this year though. I was thinking maybe baby supplies to the hospital for new baby’s that don’t have much. Maybe I could get together with Safe Kids and find a family that needs a car seat. I would like to do something for you this year but Im not sure how much I can handle. This might just be ideas for the future.
Max I feel talkative to you today. I wish I could see you. Its crazy how much I miss you and how life is so different now that you’re not in my life. I should stop writing. I will talk to you later. Im going to think about what I can do in your name for other babies. But like I said this year just might be thinking.
 I love you more and more everyday it seems

Love you

Hi there my baby boy! So I kept my word I did something productive. I actually went for a run even though its cold outside and I was feeling real lazy. I made juice even though I have not had some yet. Thats about it but still a much better track then I was on while I was at work. See not doing the car seats tonight was a good idea! Max I decided Im done turning my vegetables into juice for now. I dont like cleaning up and it made a HUGE mess. Way to much work for me. Max I promise I was going to be domestic like when you were around. But your not here so I can still fail at all that stuff. Dont have to cook, clean, make things, yelp I have no reason to attempt to. 

Max Im able to go into work early tomorrow so im going to. It makes the day so much better. Who new getting up an hr 1/2 early would be helpful. But I get to avoid the walking in with the rest of the county. Well baby im so tired. But im doing ok right now. I think I was so angry and overwhelmed with life yesterday and this morning. I think my mind is giving me a break. I think I need to give us both a break tonight from me! I feel ok. Max its 8:30 but im just going to go to bed. No need to ruin the night! I love you so much. If your able to look down at us can you watch over your daddy tonight. 

Good night my little love. 

no longer installing car seats tonight!!!

03:33 
So baby I just wanted to let you know that a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Im not doing car seats tonight. Maybe im being avoidant or maybe I know it’s not a good idea. I think its not a good idea and I know my self well I think. I have been with myself for almost 31 years. Anyway my depressed mood is slightly better knowing that I don’t have to see three (most likely adorable) pregnant women and put in there infant car seats. One of which is the same kind as yours. So I feel less stressed in this moment. I think its for the better today. The person I switched with has them in two weeks, and they are mostly older baby seats not infant ones. Max even if I need to convince my self I made the right decision, well then I will convince myself!
I need to run tonight, work out something. I also need to make some juice. I need to be productive, and not give in to my desire to go underthe covers and sleep. (but I am tired! Im actually still going into work extra early).

Yes baby now that I am no longer doing car seats tonight, I have to do something productive and beneficial. That’s what I will do for you and I tonight. I will talk to you later little love. (Still at work, im leaving regular time)

Dreaded November (Week 11)

Hey baby im feeling slow. Kind of low I guess. Im actually not much in the mood to even write to you. I feel bad for writing you when I feel this way. It’s not fair to you. I am sorry for last night and the way I was. Your dad came out and apologized to me, for making me do that. I do think he realized how hard it was going to be for me. I think he though I was just being crabby, until he actually saw how much of an emotional mess I was. I have been telling him I want to skip the holidays this year. Again I don’t think he realized how much I meant it, and how much of a hard time im having with everything. He told me yesterday that I don’t have to go to Thanksgiving if I don’t want to. I love your Dad and I wish I was not so difficult; I used to be so accommodating and easy to please.

Max November is here. I know I have to get through it in order to keep moving. Today is 11 weeks. My long term goal is to just get to January. Right now that’s my rope that I pull against. Keep pulling till January. It’s like if I get there, then I go past this year. 2011 will be over. November is when you were put inside of me. November last year was the greatest month every. Where everything was worth it. Well you still were worth it all; it’s just a different feeling now. November was going to be the month I returned to work, I thought the transition on missing you would be eaiser because the county has lots of days off this Month. I thought going back to work and leaving you home starting Nivember would be a good transition. Well your not here, and I think im missing you even more.

Also to continue with my complaining baby boy, today on this 1st of November, I officially go back to installing car seats. Im on the schedule tonight. We have 3 appointments. I was hoping they would all be convertible seats, so I would not have to see soon to be mommies with there perfect ready to pop bellies (because everyone waits till the last minute) But nope, instead they are all infant seats. Yes I could do it with my eyes closed. I used to love this SO much. I know it’s weird that I like car seats so much, I love learning about them, even more so teaching people. It truly is amazing how much you need to know, and how much the average person does wrong. I know I will give all the facts, because it’s my job and I would never not give safety information it’s just that my excitement for it is lost right now. Max even way before I was pregnant with you I would go to the stores and check out all the new car seats that way I could stay on top of everything. Max other then the Sergeant, Im the one all the other techs go to for help with problems seats, Im the one that did scheduling. I was the advocate for the department. Now Im just here, I hate that I can’t be happy for it anymore. My life is different. I know I have to do it, im just heartbroken I guess. It’s just another big punch in the face. It’s like im in an abusive relationship with life. Inside im a mess, my scars are hidden under my clothes; you would never think there is anything wrong. But I keep getting punched over and over. Well baby one hr at a time. I know I can keep it together at least until I get in my car and drive home.
On a more positive side, a Deputy just brought me delicious warm coffee. It brightened up my day. I told him thank you, offered him money and the silly guy told me the Thank you is enough because he dose not think people appreciate him , and wants to tell people to get it them selves, but he knows that’s not smart! He actually made me truly laugh, not just one of those pretend ha ha's.
Also Case-face with all her chemo and rough patch told me yesterday that I can be angry, and that it’s not fair I have this tragedy. (Well life is not always fair, for her to Max, but you will not be meeting  her for a VERY long time) She told me to remember that my rainbow will come. I just have to put up with a lot of rain and thunder first. She is right. I know life must go on, but maybe someday I can go along with it again. There is so much worse I could be dealing with. You dying is the worst thing to me, but I don’t know how I would manage if I had no one, if I was in a third world country, If I was fighting cancer, if my family members were dying all at the same time. I need to be more grateful for what I do have. It’s just so hard when you feel so low, but things could always be worse. Oh im back in the control room again today, so that’s another good thing. I just need to get through the day, get past doing car seats. One hour at a time.

I love you, thanks for being my sunshine on really bad days.