My irrational thoughts and What ifs....

I know this will not make sense to anyone other then me. I know that it is an irrational. But it is everything that I have thought and still think at times. Some moments I think positive and like a normal person. Other times im a mess and these crazy thoughts go through my busy mind. The what ifs are getting better, and slowing down, but some will always be there.

• I killed to many spiders. If I had left them alone I would still have Max
• What if I did not fear the C-section. Maybe if you stayed breech you would still be alive. 
• Maybe I should have demand they delivered you sooner. Again I never should have feared the C-section.
• What if the doctors took you out sooner.
• What If you had a different name.
• What If I was not so controlling
• What if I was not so prepared for you. Maybe If I was not ready you could have stayed
• Maybe I wanted you to much. 
• I should have been nicer to people.
• I got so lucky to have you that I will never have another love.
• Because I have so many baby things, will I never have another baby. 
• What if I was not so controlling over the baby shower.
• What if I was never meant to have a baby. 
• Maybe I would not have been a good mom. 
• Maybe because It was such a great pregnancy should have been a sign. 
• What if I did not deserve you. 
• Is it because I never nested. People say before you have a baby you go into nesting. I never nested did that mean I was not going to bring you home. 
• What if kitty knew you were going to die. They saw cats know things like that, and she was always by my belly. 
• Maybe because I craved hotdogs for a while I gave you a bacteria that harmed you or something. 

Either way Max nothing will bring you back. I will love you forever and ever.