A jumble of my random thoughts...

Max today I have been strange. Sorry I did not write much to you today. I have been thinking so much about you though. Max I found this website, its unfortunate that there is a support group site for moms that have lost there babies. But it is helpful because everyone on there knows how I feel. Anything I feel is ok, Im not this freak there.  (By the way I know I say lost. But I did not lose you, its not like I left you in the mall, or I lost you at the park. You DIED. I don't even like saying you passed away. I think its better for me to say you died! ) Max I cant look at your pictures anymore today. The ones I received today. Its just to hard, you look so different. I don't remember you looking dead. I remember you being my baby looking like a baby. I know the body is just a vessel for the soul but it still hard to see you that way. I love the picture of your little feet.

Max I am thankful to good friends. I know I am difficult I always have been, but more so now. I had good conversations with amazing people. Its reassuring that I can still smile when good people come around and say "hi"and wether they know it or not reminds me that there is more in this world then just my sadness all the time. (I really need to be better at saying "Hi" to all my friends) Its hard though when I feel like i have a big empty hole in my body. I remind my self everyday that my life is still better then others. I could have no one. I have my health. I have my love (and your daddy). I have family, and friends. I have a wonderful dog. I have great neighbors. I have a job. These are things I need to remember everyday. I have life. I cant think about me and be so selfish. But yet I still miss you and its SO hard.

Max im feeling blue, but thats ok. Its strange im sad but comforted. Its weird how I can be so miserable and broken but ok at the same time. Maybe the pictures reminded me that your dead again. Well its not like I did not believe it, oh trust me I know. But its reality and I need to adjust. Right?
Max tomorrow is day 35 which means 5 weeks. It feels like yesterday was the day you were born. But also time is moving so slow. I wish I could see how I will be a year from now. Will I miss you less or will I love you less. I don't think so.

When I write to you I ramble. Oh well I guess. If you were here in person I would be rambling at you...

Tomorrow your dad and I are going to see the therapist. ha ha I thought I would be going to a therapist when you were a teenager and in your hating me years! Instead im in my missing you weeks. 

Good night my baby boy. I hope to see you in the night.