Your Heartbeat........

Hey little boy. I all ready told you today was hard so I really don't need to tell you much again, but I will. But i did go for an ok run/walk actually it really sucked but I still went so thats ok right? Max I even took beanz to an agility class. The good news is the instructor did not say you were a dogs name this time!
Thanks for the toad tonight when I went to bring Beanz to agilty.
Max I miss you...... I cant believe its been six weeks since I gave birth to you an since you left this world. Max I went to that therapy today and im not sure if it helped. Im not going to be going back. I do think maybe I need to find someone that specializes in grief and even more so loss of a child. Max I want to be ok. I want to not be so low. I want to be ok again. I hate how much I miss you.

 Max I dont know if I told you much about meeting with you nurse. But  she told me they were getting ready to wrap you up and bring you to me. The nurse that I saw, said that she did not like your coloring, so she listened to your lungs, when she did she heard that your heart rate was real low. She was preparing in her mind that you would need to go to children's hospital philly of. someone called the NCIU to get it ready. She said the echocardiogram showed that it looked like your little heart did not want to pump. She said they gave you medicine to re-start it several times. She said for some reason nothing worked. She said she has not seen this in her 20 years of being a nciu nurse. I told her that if maybe I did not kiss you that would have given them more time to fix you. She told me the same thing went through her mind. If maybe she did not bring you to me maybe it would have fixed you. I appreciated her honesty. BUT I am so grateful I got to kiss you, I dont think those seconds would have changed things. She told me that they had a meeting afterwards to deal with you dying.  I have come to a calm understanding that nothing was done wrong, you just could not stay with me.  They did everything they could to bring you back to me. Max the whole pregnancy I was always told you had a great heart rate, its funny (in a non-funny way) that the lack of a heart beat is what took you from me.
Max  I still  hear your heart beat in my head. Im so glad I had that home fetal doppler. I thought I was being neurotic but I got to hear you over and over. When I was worried I would listen to your little thump thumps. I wish I had recorded it, I was going to for you. Your beat goes through my head and it makes missing you harder. Even so I got to get to know you while you grew inside, when you moved and when you went thump, thump, thump with your little heart. The best sound, until I heard your cry. When your little heart stopped, is when mine did to.

Good night my little love. Someday I will hear you again.